Ape Launches New Game!! Hacker or Douche Bag?

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/e-onlines-twitter-account-hacked

Just when you thought hackers could not get any bolder, a group from Syria has hacked into one of the pillars of modern journalism, E! Online. After successful previous compromises of organisations such as the BBC, Al-Jazeera, and The Guardian this most recent exploit has shown that this Syrian hacker group really means business. Once E! Online was broken into then all hell broke loose as the group began sending false tweets about Justin Bieber and Angelina Joile and blah blah blah …

Ape has no real time for a full new faux article post so let me drop out of character so that I can actually finish this post tonight and go to bed like the sad ageing blogger that I am.

If E! Online has been hacked, who could be next? Heaven forbid if the World Weekly News was ever attacked.

The Syrian hacking group that have taken credit for this are called the Syrian Electronic Army, or SEA for short, and yes it does sound exactly like the name of an 80s synth band. Now while I can see that hacking into the entertainment community does provide a good opportunity to annoy those sympathetic to the Syrian rebels, I just have to question the choice of celebrity to tweet false information about. Firstly JB. This is a spoilt kid with a pet monkey, gas mask, and a constant desire to punch people in the face. What on earth could you post that would not just be accepted as the norm? The same applies for Angelina Jolie in my opinion.

Gotta have a cool team name if you gonna be tweeting crap about the Biebs and Hollywood blood capsule wearing nut job Jolie.

Finally, Ape would like to get his readers to play the game “Hacker or Douche Bag!”. Just take a look at the following images and then in the comments section below write down your guesses as to who could be a hacker and who could be a douche bag. Ape will then read through your answers, laugh, and then never speak of this competition ever again. Hey, what did you expect? Prizes or something?

(A) (B)

(C) (D)

Good luck readers!

 

NRA Shoots For Consumer Electronics Market

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/2013/05/04/07/12/national-rifle-association-opens-us-summit

The National Rifle Association has welcomed in an exciting new chapter for it's organisation by unveiling an innovative range of consumer electronics aimed at the many gun owners in the United States. After successfully helping defeat the gun control laws in the Senate, the group has moved forward from this fantastic result and given the American community a myriad more reasons to own a gun. The new products can be controlled from the comfort of your lounge by simply firing a loaded weapon at the designated target controllers. The NRA has said it is possible to replace every electronic switch and control in the household with targets that can be controlled conveniently with a high powered hand gun or a sniper rifle if the switch is a considerable distance away.

The NRA captured people's imaginations with the exciting prospect of living in a house filled with the glorious sounds of ricochetting bullets whizzing through the air as the family walk around exercising their well deserved freedom.

The launch unfortunately concluded early after the ballon animal clown hired to entertain the children, Mr Trigger Happs, burst a half assembled balloon poodle causing the entire congregation to dive behind tables and exhibition stands and begin shooting wildly towards the sound of the large bang.

The loud pop of the purple poodle head led to scenes of panic and confusion. Organisers have apologised and stated that next time they will not take the risk of having a balloon animal clown as part of the event.

Ape’s Mars Penis Scoop … Not That Anyone Reddit

As Ape has been absent from the blogging community for a while, be prepared for this post to be a mad rambling on numerous unrelated topics as is usually the case when Ape has a large build up of bullshit in his head. Here goes nothing …

http://www.news.com.au/technology/sci-tech/mars-rover-curiosity-draws-penis-on-surface-of-red-planet

Ape may not be getting the credit but the few of you who read this blog may have felt a sense of déjà vu as you read of the “recent” discovery of a penis drawing on Mars and then thought back to an immature post many months on this very same discovery.

http://simianmonologues.wordpress.com/2012/07/10/is-that-a-mars-probe-in-your-pocket/

Guess Ape is not connected in the right kind of internet way to make the main stream news on a story centred around galactic appendages like these reddit dudes must be. Though to be honest it might not be the type of thing that Ape would like to have as his enduring legacy from his efforts on the internet.

Ape ponders if this Mars article was a missed opportunity or a dodged bullet.

Anyway back to business and a subject that I am sure many found amusing. The George W. Bush Memorial Library & Museum. I can just imagine people secretly making facetious suggestions amongst themselves to commemorate old Dubya. Hunched over and desperately trying to contain their giggles they would make suggestions such as space suit, chimp suit, or perhaps a Hurricane Katrina civil suit until someone comes up with a gem. “Let's give him a library!” Laughter erupts.

http://www.news.com.au/world-news/obama-ex-presidents-honor-bush

My favourite part of the story is the feature exhibit of the library which is called the “Decision Points Theater” which essentially asks visitors to make decisions on situations like hurricane Katrina or Iraq. A virtual Bush Jnr then pops up to explain his actual decision and the rationale behind it. I suppose the alternate name for this exhibit, “Senate Committee Inquiry” might have been left intentionally available for an upcoming exhibit which might open in the near future based on actual events.

Damn fool son has not even realised yet that this is a joke present. Think of a happy place, think of a happy place…

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-04-28/australia-rejecting-push-to-boycott-chogm

Another topic that may have gone a little under the radar is the threat by Canada to boycott the next Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) to be hosted in Sri Lanka late this year due to suspected war crimes that may have occurred during the civil war. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has made the statement that Sri Lanka has failed to live up to the Commonwealth values of democracy. Whilst I may agree that violating human rights in any context should never be tolerated, I feel that the bar could be a little bit higher than the values which come to mind when the Commonwealth is mentioned.

I say old chap. I believe these Sri Lankan folk are not living up to the high bar of democracy that so underpins the very fabric of the Commonwealth. Pass me another of those delicious cinnamon tarts my good man.

Yes Ape is another Aussie who will jump at any opportunity to have a dig at the old British Empire and also lament the fact that his country remains a solid member of the Commonwealth. Ape can dream. Sigh…

 

So Long Pope And Thanks For All The …um… Popey Stuff

Shareholders have expressed relief at the sudden resignation of Pope Benedict who many felt was directly responsible for company stocks falling dramatically due to a range of controversies ranging from financial corruption through to sexual crime coverups. It all began when the CEO of Christianity, Jesus H. Christ, decided to participate in the upcoming episode of “Undercover Boss” in order to see first hand the management debacle unfolding in the organisation's Earth division. As a result of various discoveries during the filming of the show the Pope felt it appropriate that he relinquish his post as head of the Earth division and stood himself down immediately.

Christ was forced to raise himself from his office again and pay a second visit to the Earth division in as little as 2000 years.

The show, airing this Monday night on “The Learning Channel”, shows a heavily disguised J. Christ working at various locations of the the Christian Earth division mingling and discussing company challenges with other employees. Nearly all of the employees paint a picture of a division drunk on power, disconnected to reality, and embarrassingly low on wine and fish stocks in the cafeterias.

Mr Christ employed a variety of elaborate disguises which allowed him to blend into the wider organisation and led to numerous employees sharing information that they would not have disclosed had they known his true identity.

In the middle of the episode it is clear that Jesus is having doubts about whether he can trust a local management team and is forced to make a tough decision for the good of the whole organisation. The decision that he finally makes will shock the entire organisation to it's core and will change the face of the Earth division forever. The Pope's departure is one consequence but it is only the start of a deeply impacting organisational evolutionary journey that Jesus will set in motion.

A pensive CEO wonders how the Earth management team managed to get it so wrong and in so many different facets of the running of the business. A business borne from his literal blood, sweat, and tears teeters close to collapse.

Tune in to the show to hear all of the controversy and to also see the magic moment when Jesus finally reveals his true identity to the employees and management team and unveils himself as the Undercover Boss.

A employee embraces Jesus after learning that his work colleague of the past two weeks, Randy Macho Man Savage, is actually the CEO and that he will be receiving eternal forgiveness and a two person jet ski.

——————– BONUS BULLSHIT ——————

Ape likes to find random images for his random posts and quite often they do not get to make the final cut but I thought this one, resembling a six year old Pope sitting on the shoulders of another hidden six year old Pope in an adult jacket, was worth adding as bonus content. I am sure an aging Pontiff's face suddenly appearing from the crotch area of the jacket would add a little spice to proceedings. Enjoy.

Is he man or a muppet? I guess we will never know.

 

Ape Surfaces Into A Post-Apocalyptic Blogging Wasteland

Ape can only assume the worst and that is that the virtual world ceased to exist during his blogging departure. The Mayan predictions have come to fruition and the blogging world has been laid to waste in a fiery shower of giant digital meteors. As Ape sits between his children attempting to convince them that the game of Hungry Hippos is based on a little known fact that the hippopotamus actually really enjoys the refreshing icy taste of Allen's Kool Mints, damn internet savvy kids are not really coming along for the ride, he wonders if he should take a peek into the smouldering remnants of the WordPress ghost town. Hmm. There appears to be some traces of activity still. That's unexpected. It must be the desperate postings of survivors living in underground HTML sewers or perhaps the burnt out shells of abandoned web sites.

Ape surveys the barren wasteland in front of him. The Mayans must have been right … well except for the slightly western feel to earth's apocalyptic future. He can hear the ghostly voices of bloggers gone by in the harsh desert wind. The words become louder and clearer with each ghoulish gust. “You're an idiot Ape! We are all still here you simian buffoon!” Ape pauses to reflect on those words for a bit.

Okay, you've got me. It has been four months since I have last posted which is the longest break I have had from blogging since I began this online writing caper all those millennia ago. With my recent change in role at work I developed the well known syndrome that hits many in the corporate world often referred to in medical circles as “Being Busy As All F#%k Syndrome”. Or BBAAFS. I could spend some more time coming up with a better combination of words resulting in a funnier acronym but the BBAAFS prevents even this small opportunity for more polished humour to occur. Damn BBAAFS! Hopefully a cure is found soon.

Anyway, back to business. Now am I only one who imagined the recent news of the Pope handing in his resignation would be followed by scenes of him curling up into a ball, forming a cocoon around himself and then emerging on the seventh day as a beautiful butterfly and ascending into the heavens like a frail, sexist, and culturally intolerant Chriss Angel.

The Pontiff descended from Pope Force One, curled up on the tarmac, threw off his robes, and shed his outer skin to reveal a hard chrysalis shell underneath.

Just me you say. Seriously no one else had this majestic vision. Man, I thought I had a bad case of BBAAFS.

He thinks to himself: Isn't he dreamy (sigh).
She thinks to herself: I could wear a sexy butterfly onesie if meant he would at me like that.

Kim Yong Un is Da Bomb! Talk about being a horn dog. Nothing moves your image from Despot to Sexpot as quickly as the flex of nuclear muscle. If your vibrations can be felt on seismographs on distant lands then surely a line of ladies as long as the list of international sanctions being proposed would be awaiting just outside his bedroom door. I am not sure if Ape can cope with any more level ups in Kim Jong Un's sexy. Please Kim for the sake of everyone's sanity turn your manly musk level down one or two notches.

Collective Groaning Audience: “Very mature Ape. Seriously how old are you?”
Ape: “Nothing wrong with a North Korean dictator trumpeting in a new military era. (snigger). See what I did there? Oh, you did and it's still not funny.”

I suppose his fabulous older sibling, caught at some point attempting to smuggle himself into Toyko Disney on a forged passport, may not have had the same resolve to blow stuff up. Though the efforts he went to get into a fantasy land more targeted at children firmly places him in the same “Crazy As All F#%k” basket as Kim Yong Un. Though Kim, if you are reading this, great job on the whole bomb thing K Dog. Really brings out your masculine side like a bear smoking a cigar or that scene from the Magic School Bus when they were all showered with salmon sperm. What? Of course I am being serious Kim.

Kim Jong-nam's “Despot and The Bandit” cinematic fame has finally been overshadowed by his siblings act of blowing stuff up in a hopefully very, very, very deep hole.

Anyway, no promises on frequency of posts or regularity of reading other's posts but Ape will try to squeeze blogging back into his world again. Ape out … but not out!

 

Reading Between The Lines, Shooting Between The Legs

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/mauritanian-president-recovering-in-paris

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/oct/15/mauritania-africa?newsfeed=true

Mauritania's President, Mohamed Ould Abdel Aziz, is recovering well in a French hospital after being treated for a gun shot wound received as a result of an accidental shooting. His doctors have stated that he is ready to leave when he chooses to and that he definitely did not get shot in the presidential chest nuts but definitely in either his arm, abdomen, or both. A hospital spokesman made the following announcement.

“The President is resting comfortably and will require no further surgery for his injuries. The bullet has been successfully removed from most likely his arm and or abdomen but at no stage have we needed to treat the leaders sugar plums or related areas. The injury was located well away from the his Bermuda Triangle of love and his arm and or abdomen will recover fully.”

Abdel Aziz recovering in a Paris hospital after being shot well away from his meat and two veg.

It is unclear how the President managed to get accidentally shot by his own soldiers but all witnesses have emphatically confirmed that no bullets struck the Mauritania's leader's Limp Bizkit. Mauritanian officials have informed the media that all investigations are now closed and look forward to their leader returning home safely.

Local supporters have expressed their joy in knowing that their beloved government representative will come back to office with his Papa Smurf completely intact.

 

Keeping Your Head Above Water, Making A Blog When You Can

Ape is not really back yet but I thought I would explain to the small handful of followers where Ape has been. Much has happened since my last post. I succumbed to a stupid flu for a couple of weeks immediately after running a PB at the City2Surf, ran a half marathon in picturesque Sydney post City2Surf flu, climbed another rung in the corporate ladder, and celebrated my little man-ape's 10th birthday. Life has been a little hectic, sniffly, and sans humorous blogging but things are starting to settle down again.

“Shut up with the lame excuses and make with the funny simian boy!” Geez, give a guy a break imaginary irate blog follower.

I will forgo my usual approach of producing a faux news article and instead just draw your attention to an article that made me chuckle the other day. It is of course simian themed but with a dash of Lloyd Webber absurdity.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8544241

It is essentially a musical of King Kong, finally most of you are saying to yourselves, but the creators comments make any attempt from Ape No. 1 to add any more humour redundant. The creator states.

“But I've always said to the producers that the show needs to able to be performed as if it was a high-school musical with no set, no special effects.”

Which of course explains why there will be a full size puppet King Kong in the production. I thoroughly recommend reading the full article as the article gets even more absurd after this.

I am sure it will be easy for people to ignore the massive gorilla and simply enjoy the experience that is a musical of a movie that has no right being a musical.

I know this should be start of a weekly blogger competition to see who can come up with the most inappropriate movie to turn into a musical but that is a level of work that Ape can not commit to. Anyway I will be posting again on the weekend and will also be trying to find moments in the next few days to catch up with the trillions of posts that I have missed reading from the blogs I follow.

Ape out…

If The Mitt Don’t Fit, Then Upgrade

http://www.news.com.au/technology/apple-unveils-its-new-iphone-5

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/romney-doesnt-smoke-or-drink-us-doctor

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/22/mitt-romney-fundraising

The Republican Party is rumoured to be close to announcing a date for the launch of the new iMitt 5 after raising enough investment from fundraising activities to finally bring the secret project to completion. Many suggestions have already been circulating about what new set of features the American public can look forward to if the rumours are proven to be true. The previous version, the iMitt 4 S, has been suffering in sales after numerous discovered flaws in the model alienated at least 47% of the total available target market. An insider, who wished to remained anonymous, confirmed the existence of launch plans and provided the following information on the upcoming release.

“Here at the Republican Party we have realised that our target demographic has been far too limited. The first significant change people will notice is that the price of the new iMitt will drop from the current $50,000 USD to a far more reasonable $25,000 USD which will make it far more accessible to the American middle class. There will be still be a $50,000 top end model with some additional features to ensure that our existing customers do not feel neglected. With the improvements we have made, the new iMitt will now compete with, and in some instances match, those features of the oBama device released back in 2008.”

The above image is of an alleged prototype iMitt 5 that was inadvertently left behind at an exclusive Country Club press conference in Wyoming by a member of the Republican Party back in early August of this year.

The following is the list of features speculated to be included in the new upcoming model.

Cheapest iMitt Ever

At only $25,000 for the base model, this device should hopefully gain access to demographics not previously possible for the iMitt. There are rumours though that the base model devices are not able to connect to the top end models as both will be operating on different networks.

The Least Thick of All Models

The new iMitt will be considerably less thick than the previous model but still somehow manage to be a lightweight device due to advancements in technology that are a close guarded secret of the Republican Party. Whilst an exceptional engineering effort, it is thought that much of the current customer base will not see this as progress and would much prefer research be spent on making the device even more expensive and exclusive.

Longer Front Face

It is thought that the new model will come with a longer face to add a more sympathetic look when held in close proximity to those earning less than $250,000 USD per year but this could be in violation of an existing patent successfully lodged already by the Democratic Party for a very similar feature.

Improved International Roaming

When the iMitt is taken overseas the device will automatically place itself on silent and not attempt any communications. This has been a feature that many have been asking for in previous models and is a feature that is not offered on the oBama though the Democratic Party have stated that this is not something required for their device.

Voice Command Improvements

The inbuilt voice command system has been replaced completely with a new set of responses to everyday requests. This is sure to be a feature that many will play with to see if the new iMitt still produces some of the strange responses that previous models have been renowned for.

iMitt die hard fans have descended en masse to iMitt stores and have already begun queuing in anticipation of the new release.

The predicted launch date is November 6th 2012 and should hopefully mean some interesting competition between the iMitt and oBama devices. The Democratic Party have been asked if they plan to release a new model of the now nearly four year old oBama device given the imminent release of the iMitt. The response was, “Nah, we're all good.”

Centuwion, Why Do They Titter So?

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/irish-newspaper-publishes-topless-kate-pics

Australian biscuit company Arnotts is suing the royal couple William and Kate over copyright infringements related to the recent release in a French magazine of images of a topless Middleton. The company claims that the images are a direct copy of artwork which had been designed for a product range of biscuits in existence long before the royal couple were snapped “alfresco” whilst on holidays. A company spokesperson had the following to say.

“Here at Arnotts we pride ourselves on not only producing the world's best biscuits but also in creating unique and evocative imagery to promote our exceptional range. It has recently been brought to our attention that one of our iconic brandings has been stolen, either knowingly or unknowingly, by the royal couple and used without any acknowledgement of it's Arnotts' origins. We have legal ownership over the use of the word 'Royals' used in conjunction with adjacent breast imagery and based on the advice from our team of lawyers we will be seeking damages from William and Kate for this blatant violation of our corporate imagery and branding.”

The Arnotts biscuit packaging clearly showing the use of the word “Royals” with the signatory adjacent breast imagery.

The royal couple have responded by claiming that they were unaware of the Arnotts company and it's product line but will work with the Australian biscuit icon to arrive at a fair and satisfactory outcome for all parties. Interestingly things could have been worse for William and Kate as the first working name for the Arnotts biscuit line was “The Royal Couple” before being changed to “Royals”, which would have meant even more potential copyright infringements dating all the way back to the famous fairytale royal wedding.

 

Dotty Harry – When Harry Met Surly

http://www.smh.com.au/world/eastwood-fails-to-make-republicans-day

What should have been a magical experience for a young local Michigan boy celebrating his 65th birthday, has turned into a sad reminder of the dangers of substance abuse in our modern society. Little Mitt had been looking forward to his party all year and after years of constantly asking his parents to hold a Toy Story themed party for him his parents had finally relented and acquired the services of a local party hire company that specialized in themed birthday parties. The highlight of the show was Woody who, according to the brochure, would perform magic acts and make balloon animals for all of the kids at the party.

Mitt's mum was not prepared for the sad display that her young son and his friends would be witness to and watched helplessly as the painful scene unfolded in front of the young party guests.

Not only had Woody not turned up in costume, but he had clearly been heavily drinking just prior to the function. Instead of the expected magic acts and balloon animals the clearly inebriated children's performer muttered incoherently at the birthday boy's empty chair, pulled a dead dove out of his crotch, and then threw up on the family labrador. At this point the grown ups at the party quickly ushered the kids away and two of the children's fathers picked up the drunken party host and dragged him to a more discreet part of the house.

Mitt was inconsolable and just kept on repeatedly asking through sobs, “Mummy, what's wrong with Woody? Will he be OK?”

Mitt's mother was philosophical about the whole affair.

“Little Mitt has always had trouble making friends and we thought this Toy Story themed party would help the little guy meet some new friends. Sure he has that young Ryan boy as a friend but to be honest I think there is something wrong with him. You know (guestures to head) in the upstairs department. I suppose this was a lesson to Mitt that not everybody is as lucky as he is and it was only a matter of time that he would be exposed to issues affecting common folk. As parents we just need to ensure that we guide him through this life lesson and hope that with his accumulating knowledge, and the $280 million dollars he has tucked away in his trust fund, that he can find his way in modern society.”

Little Mitt and his family spent the remainder of the afternoon at a local ice creamery that specializes in twenty five different types of vanilla.