Her Majesty The McQueen

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-05-27/queen27s-stand-in-reigns-supreme/4035528

News of a Queen stunt double has sent shockwaves throughout the world after photos emerged of an obvious stand in and not the Queen herself rehearsing some of the highly anticipated key activities in the upcoming Diamond Jubilee celebrations. The Queen has been quick to allay fears saying that whilst a stunt double is being employed during rehearsals, the real deal will be the one performing all stunts on the day. In particular she emphasized that she will be, as all are hoping, attempting to beat her Golden Jubilee motorcross jump of 215 feet that so impressed the crowds those many years ago.

The Queen has assured her millions of fans that she herself will be performing all royal functions including and not limited to the famous royal motorcross freestyle jumping event.

Pundits are predicting that her Majesty will be attempting to jump an astonishing 250 feet this year but are not ruling out the possibility that the Queen will attempt an even longer distance to remind her many loyal subjects what makes the royal family so awesome and relevant in this modern society.

Facebook Inc – It’s A Floater!

http://www.news.com.au/technology/sci-tech/space-station-capsule-creates-history/story-fn5fsgyc-1226367547883

The Facebook Inc CEO and newly made billionaire, Mark Zuckerberg, has finally resurfaced after the recent catastrophic float of his Internet giant Facebook. Zuckerberg unloaded a few million shares almost immediately after trading began making upwards of $1 Billion US dollars from this opportunistic and dubious transaction. His whereabouts had been unknown until a Facebook status update, generated automatically by his mobile device, disclosed his location to the public. It was apparent that Zuckerberg had not configured his Facebook privacy settings correctly and had not intended for this information to be broadcast to the wider community. The following text appeared briefly on Zuckerberg’s Facebook page before it was removed shortly afterwards but not before it was copied and forwarded to millions of other users via Facebook’s powerful and ultra-fast information sharing technology.

Mark Zuckerberg just arrived with Priscilla at International Space Station.
12 Minutes Ago – Like Comment

Mark and Priscilla have decided to spend their honeymoon in a gravity free, oxygen free, and securities and tax law free environment courtesy of their Dragon Ball-Zuckerberg capsule at the International Space Station.

Disgruntled investors have now revisited amateur mobile phone footage taken of Zuckerberg’s speech just prior to Facebook going live on the NASDAQ and have discovered a hidden message in Mark’s words that eluded to his plans to flee to the International Space Station. The following is a transcript of what Zuckerberg shared with the attendees during that speech.

“You are all idiots who are desperate to buy shares in what might as well be magical unicorn air. You are not listening to me right now as you are all currently too preoccupied updating your Facebook status on your mobiles to inform your loser friends that you are attending the NASDAQ float and drinking Starbucks when absurdly you could be doing this from the basement of your mom’s house and having the same experience. Is anyone listening? Hello? All I see is the tops of heads and the glow of tiny screens. Does anybody care that I am going cash in big today and then escape to the International Space Station with my wife frozen in Carbonite?! Hello? Let me leave you then with this thought.

Everything is different, but the same… things are more moderner than before… bigger, and yet smaller… it’s computers… San Dimas High School football rules. Zuckerberg out!”

Zuckerberg: What?! You think I misled the public. I quite clearly stated I was excited about a launch. I just wasn’t specific about which one.
Attorney: Hey!
Zuckerberg: I suppose you are right. What should I tell the public now?
Attorney: Hey!
Zuckerberg: Perfect. You always know the right thing to say.
Attorney: Hey!

Close friends failed to see some of the subtle hints that Mark and Priscilla had been inadvertently dropping such as their strange wedding registry that included such items as high pressure oxygen tanks, monogrammed $2000 pens that write upside down, and his and her space suits. Most just assumed that either this was standard fare for a young eccentric geek billionaire or perhaps that they had a moon landing fetish and these items were destined for the bedroom to be only ever seen again when a young hacker from the Netherlands inevitably hacks into Priscilla’s Facebook account and posts private images online for all to see.

The happy couple Mark and Priscilla on the day of their wedding and imminent interstellar elopement.
“Oh great, Mark. Another 18ct solid gold Like thumb. Put it over there with the other ones. Does anyone ever follow the wedding registry?”

The financial community is now eying with suspicion similar privately bankrolled space endeavors and are questioning whether other obscenely rich individuals will take to orbit such as Mark Zuckerberg. Richard Branson, Larry Page, James Cameron, and Newt Gingrinch have all asserted that their interests in space are nothing more than simple men with simple hobbies and definitely not a secret space program to abandon this earth at some point leaving the poor to fend for themselves in a post apocalyptic hellish nightmare. Just simple men with simple hobbies.

I wanted to use the name Mark Puckerberg for this image but instead I will leave it for others to suggest humorous plays on his name by replacing the ‘Z’ with another consonant. Feel free to fill in the missing letter using a standard 2B pencil in the space provided below.

Mark _uckerberg

Pennies From Heaven

http://www.news.com.au/world/vatican-threatens-to-sue-over-new-book/story-e6frfkz9-1226361241627

Pope Benedict XVI has been forced to defend allegations of money laundering along with other dubious fiscal activities after a series of internal documents leaked to an Italian journalist were made public. The documents detailed internal conflicts among senior clergy and made direct reference to the Church’s attempts to comply with international money laundering regulations. In a official statement to the media, Pope Benedict had the following to say.

“The allegations of financial misconduct are not true. When it comes to matters of believing in these things one must not make the mistake of taking personal accounts made by religious individuals as Gospel. One can only imagine what absurd reality we would live in if everyone believed everything they read just because it was produced by a significant religious identity. That is a leap of faith I am sure no one is willing to make.”

Pope Benedict then spun around quickly, produced a dove from within the folds of his robes, and disappeared in a flash of blinding light and smoke. All in attendance agreed it was an unnecessary but a kick ass exit.

Way to go Mandrake. Do you realize the significance of throwing a lion to a Christian?

Did You Miss Me? Me Neither.

Isn’t it always the way. You pick a specific time to dabble in Blogging time travel based on ideal atmospheric conditions and availability of nuclear fuel, you enter a date one month in the future into the flux capacitor time circuits, step on the gas, and then Bam! You step out of your DeLorean and realize that you have just missed out on so many important events. Neo Nazis elected in Greece, a Spaniard struck in the gentlemanly area by lightning, one year anniversary of Willliam and Kate, London Olympics to feature new ground to air missile event, and apparently the moon was larger than normal.

Ape’s experiment with WordPress time travel could not have been any more successful. I have successfully travelled from April 21st to May 20th in what to you readers may appear to be a span of weeks but in actual fact was instaneous from Ape’s reality.

I have also resurfaced in a time where the two remaining Beastie Boys said farewell to MCA, and a time where the fantastic mind of Maurice Sendak is no longer at our disposable to guiltlessly plunder memorable and insightful quotes from.

…so he gave up being king of the wild things…

Now, what will I blog about in the future that is May 20th 2012 …

Murdoch’s Lost iPhone Woes Halt Hacking Inquiry

http://www.smh.com.au/world/murdochs-face-inquiry-as-hacking-scandal-is-brought-to-book-20120420-1xcfb.html

The inquiry into the News Corporation hacking allegations has taken a dramatic and upsetting turn as early into the proceedings a distraught and teary eyed Rupert Murdoch was given a compassionate break to allow him to look for his misplaced iPhone. It was apparent from the beginning that something was wrong as a flustered Murdoch was seen fumbling around in his trouser pockets, shaking his suit jacket, and repeatedly looking back to his team of lawyers and mouthing the words, “Have you seen my phone?”. The judge stopped the hearing when it was clear that Murdoch was not giving the inquiry his full attention after the News Corp boss tipped the complete contents of his briefcase onto the table and began sifting through the contents becoming more and more visibly agitated and upset.

A very despondent Rupert Murdoch confirms the saddening news to a sympathetic press group that he has indeed lost his beloved iPhone.

The judge, himself a loving owner of an iPhone, asked Mr Murdoch if there was a problem preventing him from actively participating in the inquiry. At this point an emotional Murdoch revealed to the judge, and a shocked audience, that he had misplaced his iPhone. A man could be heard quietly sobbing in the back of the room. The judge immediately called a halt to the proceedings stating that the loss of something as personal as an iPhone was a serious matter and that he would allow Murdoch a reasonable amount of time to take the necessary measures to locate his missing mobile phone. The judge then walked over to Murdoch, gave him a firm hug, planted a faux punch on his jaw saying, “Be strong”, and announced to the wider audience that proceedings would resume after a two week break.

“His iPhone you say?”
“Yes and to make matters worse apparently he had not enabled iCloud backup yet. Not even for his contacts!”
“The humanity of it all!”

London Police Commisioner, Bernard Hogan-Howe, has reassured a concerned public that the appropriate priority has been placed on this serious matter but also pleaded for the public’s cooperation during the complex and challenging police operation. He released the following statement.

The London police understand the gravity of the current situation and we are diverting all possible resources to the task of locating of Mr Murdoch’s iPhone. We have been made aware that many of the public share our concerns and have taken it upon themselves to conduct their own search efforts. Whilst we acknowledge that your intentions are good we must insist that you allow the professionals within the Police department to do their job to ensure a successful outcome. Our thoughts during this time are with Mr Murdoch and his family.

Officers are retracing Murdoch’s steps commencing from the time he pressed snooze on his iPhone early in the morning to silence the sounds of the Baha Men, up to the time he sat down at the inquiry and first noticed his iPhone missing.

 

Obama Reinstates NASA Shuttle Breeding Program

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/technology/8453072/dramatic-last-flight-for-discovery-space-shuttle

Barack Obama has brought back hope to the scientific community by announcing a funding plan that will see the NASA shuttle breeding program reinstated signaling a revival of US space exploration. After spending the last few years alone in a hangar, the aging Discovery shuttle will be put to stud with some healthy 747′s in a last ditch hope that one or two may catch the fussy Discovery’s eye and result in some strong and healthy offspring. Unfortunately previous attempts to produce an offspring with the Discovery’s son, the Endeavour, have proven fruitless and NASA fertility experts have had an uphill battle to convince the Obama administration that the elderly Discovery is still capable of siring another shuttle.

The Discovery wasted no time in demonstrating the smooth moves that produced the Endeavour shuttle back in 1991.

The young shuttles are hand reared by keepers as the 747′s show little if any maternal instincts once their shuttle has been delivered. As always it is emotional when these young shuttles have to be released for the first time and allowed to explore on their own but all involved agree it is well worth it. Without letting go, the opportunity for these shuttles to travel into space and return to earth with the news that pretty much everything within our reach outside of earth is inhospitable and incapable of supporting life would be lost and we would be left wondering these questions.

Disovery’s adoptive mum beaming with pride as the young shuttle reaches maturity and finally grows it’s side booster rockets.

Obama stated that whilst he was aware that there was a chance that the program would fail to deliver, he was acutely aware of how the equivalent Russian space agency allowed their Shuttles to go into extinction with the last remaining breeding shuttle, the Buran, being finally laid to rest in 1993. He considered the NASA breeding program worth the investment to make one final attempt at keeping these magnificent space flight capable creatures in existence.

Nixon, accompanied by a Las Vegas Kirk Douglas impersonator, holding a young two week old shuttle produced during the initial phases of the shuttle breeding program during 1971. This particular shuttle, name unknown, went on to father the Columbia in 1979 now famous for being the first shuttle to go into space in it’s historic 1981 maiden voyage.

 

Kim Yong Un Speaks In Public … Mostly Shouts In Private

For the handful of you who have been waiting with bated breath for the next installment of the Simian Monologues your wait is over. As usual my other life has taken over for a little while and this blog, and my reading of other people’s blogs, has needed to take a back seat to other less amusing topics. The problem that arises out of this absence of blogging activity is that the build up of bullshit in my brain is so high that I struggle to focus on a single idea for a single cohesive post and getting started again is difficult. Instead this week I have decided to release the bullshit valve a little more than usual and get some of these childish ideas out of my head and hopefully get myself back into a more controlled release of bullshit.

So much has happened in the last few weeks, April Fools included, but I will at least narrow down my focus to the always amusing North Korean Kim Yong Un and his recent antics. So without further adieu here is a raw stream of nonsense to hopefully amuse you or more than likely completely alienate you.

North Korean Rocket Goes South

Millions express their distress at Ape’s cheesy headline and refute Ape’s claim that surely other’s must have already published this appalling headline somewhere else.

Kim Yong Un Threatens Western World With Giant Nuclear Fortune Cookie Over Inaccurate North Korean Racial Stereotypes

Ok Ape, I am holding my hands together like you asked. Hey wait a minute. Hey Ape, don’t think I won’t go crazy Kung Fu on your poorly researched blogging ass.

North Korean Army Taken By Surprise As Invading Army Approach From Behind Defeating Years Of Single Direction Parade Formation Training

Why is Commander Yong Un shouting “Behind you!” like a kids puppet show? More importantly, are you wearing make up General Lee?

Young 1985 Kim Travels To Future To Destroy Sports Almanac Brought Back By Future 2015 Kim. Fails To Get Rocket To 88 Miles An Hour

2015 Kim : This book will tell you the winners for all major North Korean sporting events from 1950 until 2000. You can’t go wrong.
1955 Kim : But I already control the winners for all major North Korean sporting events. Is there a shortage of fabric in the future that means you need to combine a business shirt with a suit jacket into a ridiculous single garment old man?

Kim Yong Un Rehearses Handshake Prior To Upcoming Diplomatic Meetings With Significantly Taller Western Leaders

“Alright Kim, you know you can do this. So I smile politely, raise my hand to meet his lowered hand, look him straight in the eye, and ignore the temptation to quickly pull him closer and head butt him square in the castanets.”

———————-

Alright, let’s close off that valve now and allow the Ape to catch up on some serious blog reading. The question is do I commence reading newest posts first or oldest posts first …

Not sure if this going to hold very well boss but I guess it will have to do. I can still see a small leak concerning Richard Dawkins and Archbishop George Pell debating that if the T- Rex had absurdly small hands but also in stark contrast stupidly large feet what could be deduced about the size of his male member. The leak seems to have stopped now. We’re all good.

 

Dick Cheney Has Heart Implant Surgery

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/dick-cheney-has-heart-transplant/story-e6frfku0-1226309414925

Dick Cheney is recovering at the Inova Fairfax Hospital in Fall’s Church Virginia, after enduring a marathon eight hour surgical procedure to have a heart implanted into his cold and empty metallic chest. Doctors have been positive about Cheney’s progress and have indicated he may be back at home with his family within the week. There were initial concerns that his body would reject the new heart but a timely visit by three specialists, who walked Cheney through his past, present, and future, was able to prepare the 71 year old for the prospects of living with a heart.

Cheney is already showing signs of humaness and frivolity with his nurses stating that the number of fellow patients he has shot in the face has decreased dramatically since the operation.

George Bush has been visiting his old friend and doctors have already begun to see changes in the way that Cheney has reacted to these visits. The following images show the progress Cheney has made since receiving his new heart.

Cheney: I think George needs to come with me on a hunting trip very soon. Very soon.

Cheney: You know, from this angle he kind of has a handsome jaw line. Still stupid but I have to acknowledge that strong jaw line.

Cheney: He has the most beautiful eyes and his breath smells like a warm log cabin. I wonder what he thinks of me?

Cheney’s success brings hope to many other individuals who are still on the waiting list for a heart implant. Families of other’s like Simon Cowell, Geraldo Rivera, and Kanye West hope that their loved one’s could one day be given the gift of a heart, allowing them, like Cheney, to lead a normal and fulfilling life.

Stew-it Little

http://www.news.com.au/technology/cant-stop-eating-dont-worry-its-not-your-fault-according-to-researchers/story-e6frfro0-1226304231050

Researchers in the US have been studying the role of a specific gene, Bdnf, in obese mice. It is thought that the gene is responsible in allowing the brain to make that important decision of when to stop eating which is essential in the fight against obesity. The team of scientists, led by Baoji Xu, we’re finally ready this week to announce the findings of their seven year study. Baoji Xu made the following statement to a gathering of fellow scientists and international media representatives.

“My team and I are very happy to have finally reached a clear conclusion to this long study. What we can confirm is that the mice raised without the presence of the Bdnf gene were not only at least four to five times the weight of the other mice but more importantly those pudgy little buggers are absolutely delicious and so difficult to stop eating once you have started. Those tasty little rodents are just so morish. Enough talk. Who’s up for some genetically modified BBQ!”

Alright folks, who ordered the two Itchy and Scratchys, and the Stuart Little? Careful with those Speedy Gonzalez patties. They pack a spicy punch.”

The team is keen to extend it’s research to other more tasty meat types such as poultry, beef, and seafood. It also hopes to attract the sponsorship of a major corporate fast food chain to fund further work in the area to not only ensure scientific success but to help put on another press conference barbecue of proportions only possible with the magic of science.

Holy crap, look at how big this friggin’ chicken has become. Next year’s barbecue is gonna kick some serious ass guys.

 

Elderly Forget Why They Were Outside Apple Store

In scenes reminiscent of the iPhone 5 launch that never was, millions of technology fans have been left disappointed once again after Apple, during it’s much anticipated press conference, failed to announce a new iPad but instead unveiled a cheap and commercially ready to deploy cure for Alzheimer’s disease. Apple had been working secretly in this area for the last two years after collaborating with two relatively unknown Hungarian researchers who had made a significant breakthrough in linking a small growth in the cerebral cortex to the onset of Alzheimer’s. In a simple and safe procedure, the affected area of the cerebral cortex can be treated resulting in a full recovery in patients at any stage of the disease.

The new treatment launched by Apple, iRememberYouNow (TM), allows those suffering from dementia to make a complete recovery and once again enjoy an independent and fulfilling life.

Apple stock plummeted in value soon after the announcement with a massive 65% reduction in the company’s market value by trading days end. Analysts stated that Apple’s failure to live up to the rumors of a slimmer, more powerful, and higher definition iPad have really impacted the world’s trust in the company ever being able to produce anything significant and innovative again without the late Steve Jobs at the helm. The iRememberYouNow (TM) could be looked at in the not distant future as the poor decision that ended this once inspiring and successful company.

Angry customers vented their fury at Apple stores around the world culminating in violent clashes with police at various locations.

It is unclear if the technology giant can recover from this disastrous announcement but already there are some early signs that many diehard fans are placing their orders anyway for this medical treatment despite the obvious lack of a high definition screen and 4G support. Whether this grassroots support is enough to keep the company afloat is yet to be seen.

Apple Employee: Sorry dear but you are going to have to stick with your iPad 2 for a little while longer.
Elderly Lady : Are you the Queen? You smell nice.