Coming Soon To A Theatre Near You…

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It Was An Itsy Bitsy, Teeny Weeny, Crappy Post For Those That Read Me

I have often read from others that the secret to improving your blogging is to write regularly and often. Guess I will have to take their word for it. Anyway, here is Ape's scoop on what really happened on this Obama sign language interpreter story.

Obama: Hey Ape, are you sure this counts as a complete post? What about your idea that Flava Flav was able to understand his ganster rap hand movements perfectly. You got a real attitude problem, McApe. You're a slacker.

Ape: What? No brownie points for squeezing in a BTTF quote? Where's your Christmas spirit Prez?


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Tell Me More, Tell Me More, Did You Spy On Her Calls

A young high school couple have become an internet sensation after an awkward photo of them at their senior prom emerged depicting an overly eager male student, Tony Zuko, lewdly smiling next to his clearly uncomfortable female date, Susilo Olssen. Friends of the couple have confirmed the authenticity of the photo and have also confirmed that the mood during the night was consistent with the mood captured in the photo with the couple splitting up not long into the prom event. The image originally posted on Zuko's Facebook page with the caption “Zuko can pull the bitchez (sic)”, made it's way onto a popular internet website and then quickly went viral with people from around the globe posting humorous captions to accompany the awkward snap.

The unwitting internet celebrities posing in the photo that captured the hilarious contrast of moods on their ill fateful prom night.

The couple have both provided different accounts as to the circumstances of their breakup. Zuko has claimed he broke up with her because she had become too clingy and that he was not ready for a big commitment. Olssen on the other hand disputes this and has stated the only reason she dated him was due to a mixup and had actually been intending to go out with another blonde male student who unfortunately left the school just before the end of year celebrations. Without her knowledge this blonde male student had struck a deal to let Zuko take his place. When Zuko turned up at Olssen's parents house to pick her up she decided to go ahead with the night but not long into the night realised her mistake and quickly ended the date.


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Google Can Kiss Lada’s Mutha Russian Ass

Russian car manufacturer AvtoVAZ has responded to Google and other rival Asian and European car manufacturers by unveiling it's own driverless automobile based off the popular Lada Priora model. The car, scheduled to be available in late 2016, is a culmination of five years of research and has resulted in an advanced vehicle that is capable of crashing itself on dash cam without the need for a human driver. The Lada Priora is fitted with multiple sensors linked to online mapping data, and is powered by an impatient and easily distracted advanced processor which is exclusive to the Russian car maker.

An early prototype of the self-crashing Lada was spotted earlier in the year making it's way erratically towards an ambiguously sign posted intersection.

Lead designer at AvtoVAZ, Steve Mattin, led a large technical team consisting of computer scientists, mathematicians, automotive engineers, and celebrity driver Lindsay Lohan to develop algorithms capable of creating an accident in almost every driving condition. Steve Mattin proudly stated,

“Our amazing Lada is able to concoct a danergous situation in the rain, at busy intersections, on dead straight highways on a perfectly clear day, and even in the implausible act of parking a car forwards into a wide and empty driveway. Once it has determined that it is unsafe to proceed it will begin recording on it's dash cam, accelerate wildly, and upload the footage live to youtube as events unfold. It truly is Russian technology for the Russian market.”

Steve Mattin, lead designer and chief illusionist at AvtoVAZ, led the challenging project to develop an automobile that was able to fit into normal everyday Russian traffic unnoticed.

Many Russians remain unconvinced that an autonomous car could truly cause as much carnage as one under the guidance of a human driver citing the disappointing safe statistics being disclosed by the Google car project. Only time will tell if the new Lada can leave the same wake of damage behind it as a driver based vehicle and capture the hearts of the Russian public.


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Let’s Play The Combine Two Unrelated Articles Game

Surgeons have successfully removed a large parasite that had made it's way into a young British woman and had resided within her nearly completely unnoticed for numerous months. The parasite is from a well known European strand of parasite which is renowned for being able to survive on the resources of the host and many of those who may or may not even have direct physical contact with the host. The procedure was hailed a success but doctors were quick to point out that this type of parasite continues to thrive outside of the host able to feed off others resources and were a particularly difficult species to manage.

The moment when doctors were able to finally extract the parasite from the hapless young women.

The lead surgeon made the following official statement after the challenging and perilous 12 hour operation.

“We are relieved to say that we have been able to remove this organism from the young patient but stress to the wider public that this type of parasite has existed for centuries and unless concerted efforts are made by all of us to not keep feeding them they will continue to be a persistent nuisance amongst us.”

Doctors have recaptured a parasite removed from another British woman decades ago highlighting the strand's ability to continue to endure even when removed from the original host.

British biologist Dr ….

“Blah, blah, blah, yawn. Alright, Ape! We get it. You don't like the royals. Can't you let it go finally? What?! No, you can not also mention the new robot that has an expression of permanent indifference with scissors for hands that will be used to replace royals.”


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Read This Post In That Movie Trailer Guy Voice

Duncan “Jong” Pinderhughes is a high school genius with a 4.0 grade point average but this proves not enough for admission to the prestigious Malaysian HELP University unless he can also pass physical education. Ex convict Michal “Rodman” Brown has been released on parole with the condition of passing high school if he wishes to stay out of the slammer. An administrative mixup sees the two students ID photos mixed up with Jong now finding himself in a class of troublemakers and Rodman in a class for the gifted.

Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman hit the big screen in this hilarious case of mistaken identity.

Rodman sees that this is his ticket out of jail and convinces Jong to play along. In this summer's funniest high school comedy watch as Jong and Rodman attempt to convince their teachers they are who they claim to be, try to get the girls, and most of all prove they truly are a class act. (cheesy 90s hip hop music ensues)

Alright, you can stop doing the movie trailer guy voice guy now. Ape's movie synopsis enthusiasm has run out.

—————— Additional Crap —————–

I am sure many of you were a little peeved when you read the controversial news that women in Saudi Arabia were being threatened with punishment for the basic act of driving. Ape has done a little investigation into this and I think I understand the real issue here. I can see why the Saudi male population is so passionate about this which I will explain with the assistance of a recent image taken of a women driving.

Well of course they can't drive if this is the example they are setting.

I can see multiple issues with the above image that go against the standard practices of how one should drive a car in Saudi Arabia.

  1. She is sitting completely inside the main cabin of the car
  2. All four wheels of the car appear to be on the ground
  3. She is looking ahead at the road and ignoring other distractions
  4. She appears to be driving at a modest speed
  5. Her indicator has been turned on and she is turning in that direction
  6. Her car is not encrusted with diamonds
  7. There are no passengers clinging to the outside of the car
  8. Umm …. sorry X, I tried to get to 10 but my brain ran out of juice and I was also distracted by my brain constantly saying “Ape, surely you can work this into a License To Drive spoof”.

Male Saudi drivers demonstrating the standard of driving that Saudi women must attain before being allowed to legally drive.


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Camera Adds Ten Glorious Pounds … And Bad Haircut

North Korean authorities have had to make an awkward apology to the US government after discovering a rogue weather reporter on a local cable network had been recording and sending footage of himself purporting to be the glorious leader of the large Asian nation and threatening global war. The head of the local cable network disclosed that the crackpot meteorologist had been sneaking into the studios late at night with a small group of accomplices and using the green screen facilities to depict images of himself riding in tanks, pointing at stuff, and leading vast military parades.

The now dismissed employee of the North Korean cable channel had been creating elaborate scenes of himself as the glorious leader and had even scripted himself to get married to a well known female pop star.

President Barack Obama, who had fallen for the ruse, was relieved to discover that the war mongering talk that he had thought was genuine was actually just the ramblings of a lowly weather reporter living out his dreams of world domination via the magic of the green screen. Obama had his staff send the individual a White House cap and a blue ray copy of Avatar which …


Ape was having a horrible nightmare that there was a nut job in charge of North Korea who was egging on the world to a nuclear fist fight. What? He's not just a weather reporter? Son of a …

In other Ape news …

Ape was going to wax lyrical about how poor a rewards and recognition program Canonisation is based on the fact that you need to be dead and also an amateur magician with two demonstrated tricks to be eligible but it is getting late and Ape is tired. Instead here are some pics that were going to be part of that mad ramble. Feel free to make up your own post in your head to go with these images. I am sure it will be better than what Ape would have written.

“I don't think casual pizza Fridays is the hit I was expecting it to be. Hey who called me a tosser? Oh, dough tosser.”

“Well, I would love to recognise you for your performance but there is the matter of your still heart beating that can not be overlooked”

“And then he made mention of my still beating heart. What? That's just company policy? Jesus Christ! Sorry, I didn't actually mean you sir.”

Well done Ape you half arsed blogger.


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Ape’s Ain’t Got No Time For A Good Post …

… but a shitty post is a different story altogether. Ape's little man ape turned 11 this week which has distracted old Ape from his blog but here is what I visualise in my head every time I read about the ongoing US shutdown.

Temporary lay offs. – Good Times.

Easy credit rip offs. – Good Times.

Scratchin' and surviving. – Good Times.

Hangin in a chow line – Good Times.

Ain't we lucky we got 'em – Good Times.


Ape did have have a rough idea for the Putin flame lighting story with a tentative post title of “Tolstory” but I guess that will have to go into the ever growing pile of post ideas that will never see the light of day.

Sorry Kombat Karl but little Andy Putin no longer wants to play with his childhood toys. As Ape has found out this week all kids eventually grow up.


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Who’s A Cute Little Communist World Leader…

The impacts of the US government shutdown have started to hit home with museums, national monuments, and zoos closing to the general public as a result of the stalemate within Congress. As people around the world are starting to come to grips with the implications of the shutdown President Obama has had to make the heart breaking announcement that the NSA run Xi Jinping cam website will be taken offline until the current crisis comes to an end. The popular online streaming video site allowed visitors the joy of observing the lovable Chinese leader in his natural habit 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

President Obama struggled to maintain his emotions as he broke the sad news that the popular NSA run Xi Jinping cam will be taken offline until further notice.

Visitors worldwide had been following the life of the playful and mischievous Chinese politician from his adorable first adventures in the Communist Youth League all the way through to his current position as President. The precocious little guy even had a twitter account that visitors could leave messages on which his handlers would monitor and respond to with humorous comments accompanied usually by a cute picture. The following is an example of some of the hilarious activity from his twitter account @TheRealJinping.

We must uphold the fighting of tigers and flies at the same time, resolutely investigating law-breaking cases of leading officials and also earnestly resolving the unhealthy tendencies and corruption problems which happen all around people. LOL!! by @TheRealJinping

Dissapointed visitors will need to wait until the shutdown finally lifts to be able to continue following the antics of the huggable Xi Jinping and hopefully, for his many loyal followers, nothing too exciting happens to the little fellow during this time.


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There’s Mud In Them Thar Martian Hills!

NASA scientists today have unlocked a key secret from the barren and mostly dry red planet. The Mars rover has detected significants amount of water bound to the Martian soil allowing the researchers to be able to now paint an even clearer picture of what life on the distant planet was like those many millennia ago. As well as water the rover also detected substantial quantities of chlorine and the chemical perchlorate which is commonly used in the production of pyrotechnics and on a larger scale rocket fuel. Artists specialising in creating past landscapes from fragments of information have come together with NASA to produce a set of stunning visuals depicting the Martian surface in its prime.

“See guys, I told you Mars was gonna be wicked awesome. U-S-A, U-S-A!”

“Nope, I still don't see it. Wonder if it is one those tricky magic eye doo hickeys that I can never get.”

The data provided has led to the inevitable conclusion that the Martian surface was likely a giant jet ski water park created to satisfy the hunger for wicked air and bodacious flips of the firework loving alien species that would have occupied it during this time. Many are suggesting that the planets constant pounding by the thrill seeking jet skiing population eventually took it's toll forcing the population to abandon Mars and seek adventure elsewhere in the galaxy taking themselves and most of the planet's precious water with them.

An artists depiction of the long departed Martian population partaking in the activity that would ultimately lead to the demise of the planet.

Leading NASA environmental scientist, Dr James Hansen, has expressed his dismay at not having the opportunity to share humanities vast wealth of knowledge on the topic of environmental sustainability. He wrote on the NASA blog.

“It is sad to think that a population in possession of such a natural wonder would destroy it with such frivolous activities and then simply set their sights on another planet to repeat the same cycle again. If only they knew then what we know now about the future of their planet.”

In related news the mars rover has relayed a message back to NASA saying it is bored of looking for shit and unless told otherwise is going back to drawing depictions of human's junk on the Martian surface.


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