If It Blogs, We Can Kill It

I am sure for many of those who enjoy creating posts on humorous topics, the sight of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the news again, due to his imminent divorce proceedings, brings a little bit of excitement. Our minds start racing to conjure up clever ways to retell the story incorporating some of his countless amusing movie quotes. I have to admit I too fell prey to this temptation as is evidenced in my post title and approximately 60% of my written content. I am only human after all and not a humourless cybernetic organism. Make that 70% of my written content. To be honest this was intended to be a post on how I will try to avoid blogging topics that will already be done to death by others in the webosphere, but given that I appear to be still typing it may end up being just the opposite. No stopping now.

12022010_kc1 conan

Stop using my one-line movie quotes and countless ridiculous facial expressions to make light of my serious personal issues. Ok, I have to admit the horns are a little bit funny.

As always I start my journey by drawing on my years of extensive research on the specific topic combined with my incredible ability to recall countless facts almost instantly via a convenient keyword based search dialogue located in the centre of my chest. Either that or I go to Wikipedia. What is detailed on Wikipedia is a stark account of his childhood life, his humble beginnings as an actor, through to his life as the governor. His goal in life was to be the greatest actor in the world. Some would argue that he has come close to achieving this whilst others would argue that he has done little to contribute to the true art of dramatic interpretation.

Arnold-Schwarzenegger

You’re a funny guy Ape No. 1, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.

What are my thoughts after reading this Wikipedia entry? Arnold is a short arse and the author, or authors, of this entry wish to make this point loud and clear. There is an entire section on the controversy of his actual height. Yes people are actually wasting time talking crap about his height. There is apparently a whole website dedicated to the heights of celebrities, which is already concerning, and Arnold’s page is one of the most active on the site. I shook my head after reading this height related section and thought the topic was done and dusted at that point. Apparently not. The article then mentions in a later section that at some point in his career Arnold had auditioned for the part of the Hulk but was unsuccessful with the reason cited being … wait for it … that he was too short. Cop that you vertically challenged freak Arnie! Bet you thought the readers of this Wikipedia article had forgotten about your “Watcha’ talkin’ ‘bout Willis” stature.

toddler_hulk

Remember, Ape No. 1, when I promised to kill you last? I lied.

“So”, I hear you say, “Is he actually short?”. I don’t know and I don’t really care. All of the heights quoted are significantly taller than myself so I guess he his tall if you are shorter than him or short if you are taller than him. Is he the world’s greatest actor? Again, does it really matter. Whatever his height, or acting ability, we must at least acknowledge that this steroid swollen Austrian, with a surname that haunts the dreams of the lisp afflicted throughout the world, has continued to entertain the world on and off the screen. I will refrain from commenting on his personal life and instead finish off with one my favourite, or at least disturbingly memorable, Arnie quotes from the movie Junior.

My nipples are very sensitive.

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About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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One Response to If It Blogs, We Can Kill It

  1. HoaiPhai says:

    Wow, you’re right! Arnie does have height! I have been blinded by his thickness, anatomically speaking of course. I mean, the guy has more muscle in his left bicep than I have in my entire body (unless you count my stomach contents after a steak buffet).

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