Great Expectations Rarely Result In Klingons

Stewart thinks vampires are cool

“Patrick Stewart Thinks Vampires Are Cool!!!” was the headline that my brain read. A flood of ideas rushed into my head on how I could turn this into a post. I immediately dashed to Google to see what sorts of absurd images this behemoth online menagerie of crap could spit out. Could Klingons be the vampires in this post or perhaps Data bringing the undead and cyborgs to new levels of amusement? Maybe I need to get a little old school and because vampires live for a long time the idea of Spock being a vampire is also a possibility. I went back to the article, after approximately 30 minutes of Star Trek and vampire brainstorming, and thought I would read beyond the headline.

I can not believe that Patrick Stewart is talking about vampires. This is going to send bloggers around the world in a spin as they try to create countless humorous articles on this topic. It seems too good to be true! Oh happy days.

Who the hell is this Kirsten Stewart woman and why do we care that she likes vampires?! Is she Patrick Stewart’s daughter or perhaps that British actress that appeared on Top Gear who had Clarkson blushing and caused him to wear dress pants? No that was Kristen Scott Thomas I think. Oh wait a minute. Is it that lady from those vampire movies that I have been unable to watch due to an allergy to bad teenage romances and male actors who refuse to wear shirts, Matthew McConaughey included, over the whole duration of a film. They could have made it much clearer in the headline that it was Kristen Stewart and not Patrick Stewart. I can only imagine the huge number of readers who were similarly fooled by this headline. Maybe this ambiguity is not just limited to Patrick Stewart but also extends to any major celebrity with the last name Stewart. Consider the following possible headlines that were imagined by people reading the above article.

Jackie Stewart Thinks Vampires Are Cool.

John Stewart Thinks Vampires Are Cool.

Rod Stewart Thinks Vampires Are Cool.

A very small number of you, maybe only 2 or 3 on this whole planet, are probably thinking to yourselves, “Hey Ape No. 1, I think you are the only insane fruit loop who would have possibly thought that this was anyone other than Kristen Stewart let alone someone associated with a cheesy sci-fi television series.” I know the vast majority of the world population, like myself, were fooled and feel a level of disappointment as a result of this headline. I have learnt the tough age old lesson “Never Judge A Humorous Post Opportunity By It’s Headline” and from now on I will not just leap onto an idea until I have confirmed that the article contents are what I think they actually are. Nothing but well researched and polished journalism will appear on this blog from this day forward.

Wait a minute. I need to abandon this post as I have just spotted an article that appears to say Snoop wants to be a Vampire. To the Google Image search mobile! Aw crap. It actually says Snooki wants to be a vampire. Who the hell is this Snooki character!?


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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One Response to Great Expectations Rarely Result In Klingons

  1. HoaiPhai says:

    I agree with you when you say, “Who the hell is this Kirsten Stewart?” Anyone who thinks vampires are cool will change their tune pretty damned quick once on of those bloodthirsty coffin loiterers latches onto their jugular! Once the technology is perfected where we will be able to see movie stars digitally inserted into acting roles, I’d love to see a James Stewart vampire and/or zombie movie! Imagine all the stamering!

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