To Kill A Mocking Blog

Here I am staring at my screen in horror at what can only be described as a … I can barely bring myself to say it … a grown up post. There mocking me, in it’s smug 12 point Georgian font, is a reasonably accurate and honest account of my past few days at the technical conference I have just attended. I can feel the words giving me a look that says, “I told you that one day you would write one of these types of posts”. I am starting to panic and I must quickly scan through this article again in a hope to find a way out of the sensible nonsense that I have just penned. Maybe the light hearted images will save me.

“Don’t look at me Ape No.1 for a way out. I may be a slightly amusing image but the real reason you selected me was to highlight how out of touch you are becoming with technology.” Damn you uncredited vintage image!

Maybe my observations on the fact that many of the IT community, whilst passionate on software innovation and bleeding edge hardware technology, would be just as comfortable in a medieval village or on the grounds of a castle practicing falconry as they are in the server rooms of our modern organizations would be enough to save me. This is not a new observation and actually provides some insight into some of the escapist activities pursued by the imaginative and creative minds of these tech savvy villagers. Bugger, this article is not going the way I want it to go at all.

“You would not believe that Ape No.1 did not even know how the new 64 bit platform integrated with the previous earlier architectures via the virtualized infrastructures. He is so out of touch with modern times. Now, can you pass me some more pheasant and pour me another goblet of mead.”

And then there it was. It was magnificent in it’s absurdity. I wept openly as the beams of bullshit tore through the earlier statements leaving behind a trail of ridiculousness and a small row of Yoda clones saying, “Use a stupid 80’s movie reference Luke. Is it your destiny. And yes I know none of these were my lines in the movie. Ok and your name is not actually Luke but you wrote this Ape No.1 and not me. I think you are losing your readers interest with these pointless details.” Good point imaginary Yoda clones I better stay focused.

My insanity has been restored.

The conference I was attending was a Microsoft sponsored event and I thought a good idea would be to wear a t-shirt with the following text.

I figured that this would have been thought of already by some other person on the web so I did a Google image search for something along these lines but as always Google always surprises me with what it feels is relevant. Instead of a raft of humorous Microsoft vs Apple shirts and related outfits what came up after a few page downs was the following image of one of the strangest costumes I have ever seen. Let’s call this outfit “Teen Elf Too”. At this point I was laughing too much to bother with my idea of printing a t-shirt as anything now paled in comparison to this awesome combination of Christmas and cheesy 80’s werewolf movies.

“I think you did it Ape No. 1. You managed to take a perfectly good article on a real experience and turn it into a pointless rambling about some stupid elf costume. I hope your mother doesn’t read this blog.” Sorry Teen Elf, I can’t take anything you say seriously.

You are probably wanting to ask me now, “Well did you wear this Wolf themed festive costume to the event instead of the original t-shirt idea?” I unfortunately did not and to be honest it was a missed opportunity. Maybe next year.


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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9 Responses to To Kill A Mocking Blog

  1. I was laughing throughout most of it but when I got to the teen elf, I laughed so hard tears started to form in my eyes

  2. HoaiPhai says:

    Great article and great pictures, as usual!! When I saw the first one, I was thinking that it was an early wi-fi “can you hear me now?” and the elf costume looks like the uniform for the counter person at some restaurant called Elfburger!

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Cheers HoaiPhai. I’ve gotta say your picture of the willow tree the other day was amazing on your photographic post. Made me imagine a kid playing on a swing looking up at the branches of the tree rushing up to their face as they swung forward. Awesome.

      • HoaiPhai says:

        Thanks! Me and the Mrs. were taking her niece for a tour of the local sights (both of them) and we were just walking under the tree. When I was a kid, we sequentially lived in two houses, both of which had willows. One of those willows helped me convince my twin younger brothers to believe in Santa for one more year! I’ll save that story for a post for a time after I’ve switched over to winter tires and have had them rotated once!

  3. You started by saying it was a grown up post but I felt completely comfortable with the level of maturity by the end.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      I plan to keep my posts at this “comfortable” maturity level but to be honest I am starting to doubt this supposed phase of growing up. I know my wife is eagerly awaiting for me reach it.

  4. gardenmad says:

    Ape No. 1, I too write a blog that seems more mature than it should be, considering I write it. I have discovered I have more fun leaving comments on other people’s blogs. I’m beginning to think it is time to break out “Blog No. 2”, where I can let some of my other personalities have their time. Growing up is overrated. And I really loved your t-shirt.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Glad you enjoyed my t-shirt idea. I am not the type to discourage you from releasing your other personas on Blog No. 2 and as you probably would have guessed from my posts I will instead be cheering your other personas on. I give “growing up” 1 star out of 5.

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