Sexy Panda Talk & Other Related Chuck Norris Topics

I was given an award the other day by a funny Canadlish blogger named HoaiPhai,, and what was interesting was that there were some actions required upon receipt of this award. The award in question was the Versatile Blogger and one of the requirements is the disclosure of 7 random facts about yourself. So earlier in the week, being the curious sort, I went to Google and inserted the following words into the little rectangular shaped crap portal many of you would call a search dialog.

“Random Fact Wikipedia”

I think you need to take a look at this sir. It appears Ape No. 1 is showing signs of straying off topic. He has already opened up the Google crap portal and that is never a good sign.

Obviously I was after a better definition of what exactly a random fact was. The search results could not have been more appropriate. Number one on the Google search results list was this little gem.

Chuck Norris facts are satirical factoids about martial artist and actor Chuck Norris that have become an Internet phenomenon and as a result have become widespread in popular culture. The facts are normally absurd hyperbolic claims about Norris’s toughness, attitude, virility, sophistication, and masculinity.

The facts typically claim that Norris is a tough, all-powerful super-being. Chuck Norris facts have spread around the world, leading not only to translated versions, but also spawning localized versions mentioning country-specific advertisements and other Internet phenomena. Allusions are also sometimes made to his use of roundhouse kicks to perform seemingly any task, his large amount of body hair with specific regard to his beard, and his role in the action television series Walker, Texas Ranger.

I love you Google and Wikpedia. Your endless shelves of useless information comfort me at night, make me smile throughout the day and will one day crush me to death like the Garbage Compactor scene from Star Wars.

Later in the week, as I sat in my regular morning bus, I thought about this genre of random facts referred to as Chuck Norris facts and pondered what I could disclose about myself following this approach. As usual on public transport I follow the standard unspoken law of “Do not make eye contact with other commuters” which is there to protect us from inadvertently making an actual meaningful personal connection with a fellow commuter. I know, who would want that. My musings, as I sat there essentially staring at people’s shoes instead of their faces, led me to the inevitable question that probably many of you as you read this are already asking yourself.

When does the comfort of a shoe become so excessive that the shoe transcends from loafer to slipper?

One of these shoes is a loafer intended to be worn outdoors and the other a slipper intended to be worn indoors. Which one is which I will leave a mystery at this stage.

One particular young gentleman on the bus was wearing what were in my opinion essentially slippers under the poor guise of being loafers. He was also wearing dress pants and a collared shirt. Either there exists a very casual dress code at his work or a very formal dress code in his bedroom and he was just running late. I would like to imagine that it was the latter and will assume he has an array of formal bedroom attire that he wears to bed each night depending on what sort of affair he would like his nights sleep to be. If he had a partner I am sure they would both coordinate outfits based on each nights theme.

The girl is apparently a Panda so I am assuming, given the combination of tuxedo and panda pajamas, that tonight’s event will be the Beijing hosted APEC Meeting of Ministers Responsible for Forestry which will celebrate China’s positive environmental policy changes. Grrr sexy!!

I fear I may have veered a little off course from the original intention of completing the tasks associated with the Versatile Blogger award but to make it up I will end with a small ode dedicated to the blogger who handed me the award and currently squats at the virtual residence Hell, let’s make it a haiku even. And yes it is not a true formal Japanese Haiku for those more literate but given that I am currently both blogging and watching a Back To The Future marathon screening on television tonight I think I can be forgiven for going the easier route.

OdeHaiku To The Raccoon Dude

Maple origins
Dirt dug up at midnight hours
Makes a mean cheese grill

Bill: Gnarly way to avoid the award tasks dude.
Ted: Your laziness is bodacious Ape. You have what it takes to be a Wild Stallion.
Bill: Call us Ape No. 1 if those WordPress stiffs won’t give you access to time travel to increase your blogging time. We can sort you out.
Ted/Bill: Later Ape!! {air guitar action}


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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One Response to Sexy Panda Talk & Other Related Chuck Norris Topics

  1. HoaiPhai says:

    Wow and ha-ha! I’ve never had a poem written about me, except when my annoying little sister made a rhyme out of my first name and wrote it on the elementary school gym lockerroom wall! This is probably the first haiku I’ve actually got!

    So, “instead” of posting random facts about yourself, you post about Chuck Norris. Let’s see, the body hair — Chuck and a chimp share a lot of common ground… are you trying to tell us YOU”RE Mr. Norris?

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