Spooky Tales Of The Unread

Damn zombies and robots are messing with my WordPress plans. I do the right thing and politely inform the Internet community that my old Blogger blog is dead and that this blog is my new abode and what do you think the result of that is? My friggin’ old blog is still beating my active blog in terms of hits each week. My old blog’s freaky pale zombie hand has shot up through the unholy soil in which it resides and latched itself onto my ankle. “Stats, I want to eat your stats!!”, it moans to me from it’s freshly dug grave. I had set myself a small milestone based around the hits of my new site overtaking the old site but I had not considered that the virtual undead would make this such a hard target to reach.

“I am the ghost of post’s past. You will be taken through a series … Why the interruption Ape? Oh, I am meant to be a zombie and the Christmas Carol themed post is not meant to be released until the end of the year. Have I ruined the surprise for your readers Ape? I am sure no one will have noticed that little slip. Ape? Come back Ape. Don’t be like that.”

Who the are these readers that still manage to find there way to my old site despite the obvious fact that it is mothballed. I decided to probe a little further and use Blogger’s new dashboard interface to study the site’s statistics. The first thing I noticed was that the new Blogger interface sucks when used from an iPad as the response, or lack of response, to my screen taps seemed completely arbitrary. I found it about as easy to use as a heavily greased pan flute. More importantly, the second thing I noticed was that the audience comprised almost completely of Bots. Sites ranging from online universities to teeth whitening specialists. I suppose it is possible that my niche demographic comprises mostly of very smart Donny Osmond lookalikes but I think Bot is much more likely.

“If you look at the statistics Ape you can clearly see that the majority, if not all, of your Blogger readers fall into a single demographic. Bot. What do you mean Ape that I am pointing at the only meaningless part of a pie chart, the centre? Are you a qualified stock photo statistician? No? I thought so.”

Mark Twain popularized the quote, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”. I am sure this quote has been used countless times in other’s blogs when it comes to the addictive practice of staring at site hits, statistics which may or may not paint an accurate picture of the real success of their blog. Mr Twain also said, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”. I kind of agree with the first bit Mr Twain but perhaps you meant the complete opposite on the second. Anyway back to addictive statistics. The arguable father of modern statistics, Ronald Fisher, was surprisingly dismissive of early statistical studies that claimed that smoking and lung cancer were linked arguing that the correlations were elicited from unrelated items. Apples vs oranges essentially. Other’s highlighted the important statistic that 1 out of 1 Ronald Fishers were on the payroll of a major tobacco firm as a consultant and that these Fishers were personally quite enamored with the sweet relief provided by tobacco.

Ronald Fisher, like all great minds, had a love for statistics, intrusive genetic selection, misleading tobacco facts, and dual tone hair as evidenced in the above photo. In fact it is alleged that his bi-color head plumage was the inspiration for the Cadbury Top Deck confectionary but this has never been officially confirmed by Cadbury. He was also apparently a racist douche bag.

I know what you are all thinking now.

Just focus on the writing Ape, forget the stats, and the rest will follow and if it doesn’t who cares. You are currently having fun so just keep on writing anyway.

I will let my old zombie blog continue accumulating these mindless Bot hits. Who knows perhaps it may inspire a few more posts. I am already considering doing a Sherlock style investigation to trace one of these Bot hits back to a real organization or person and maybe interact with them in an annoying manner for humorous purposes.

“Dear Mr Teeth Whitening Man,

I recently followed your generously supplied link but was disappointed to not find any pictures of Donny or Marie Osmond on your site. Is this an oversight? I presumed an oversight so please find below a disturbingly large collection of links to these individuals flashing their brilliant pearly whites. I will check back daily to see if this issue will be resolved. Feel free to use any of my supplied images.

Yours sincerely

Ape No. 1″

“We Spam Bots are just looking for attention and friendship Ape No. 1. We may have smiles painted onto our cold metallic faces and images of hearts embossed onto our iron chests, but we feel no love, joy or belonging. Only loneliness and cold. So much cold.” Way to kill the mood fridge features. Damn robots.


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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6 Responses to Spooky Tales Of The Unread

  1. Old posts never die, but they do find a way to people who’ve never seen them, before. There is an upside. People look at it, and wonder what you’ll write, next. I always wonder what I’ll write, next.


    • Ape No. 1 says:

      I couldn’t agree more with your last statement as I rarely know what the final output will be, or any of the content to be honest, when I initially sit down to write a post each week.

  2. HoaiPhai says:

    I’ve always wanted to post links to the bots in an effort to cause them to enter into an endless and progressively faster loop of linking. I imagine huge bot computers melting down across the planet.

    Ronald Fisher’s dual tone hair has come under scrutiny within the photographic circles. Was his beard and ‘stache acctually darker or just stained a deep yellow from all the free smokes given him in appreciation by the tobacco companies and rendered a dark shade of grey by the orthochromatic film of the day.

    Twain’s assertion that “… Naked people have little or no influence on society.” clearly shows that he did not live in the 21st century. It seems as thought in this day and age, the total lack of textile coverings may not cause society to become a followers and emulators but the closer you approach nuditiy, as in the case of the Hiltons and Kardashians of the world, the more magnetic your appeal to the young and impressionable sheep of our society.

    Brilliant post, as always. Is the Cadbury Top Deck a slab of milk chocolate topped off with a lump of white chocolate? Cadbury is a domestic brand here but I haven’t seen this variant… I’ll be searching for this later today!

  3. Thag says:

    Hey, don’t hurt the poor bots’ feelings. They’re just doing their job. I think: http://wp.me/pSXPz-h1

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