Luke Warm Off The Press

This is really about three or four of my usual posts in one, albeit highly edited versions, but given that I have not posted in a couple of weeks I will attempt to cram a lot of my usual bollocks into a single post. So sit back, put your feet up, take a sip of that Shiraz in your hand, and lovingly dislocate your lower jaw as you attempt to slowly digest the larger than usual crap sandwich I present to you now.

I say bumper issue, you say random collection of useless crap.

I waxed lyrical in my last post about how my cryogenically frozen Blogger blog was getting more hits than this blog courtesy of the attention of some orthodontically savvy spam bots. What was the result of that exercise? My WordPress blog has now attracted the gaze of these mindless spam robots and they have left a larger than normal deposit of ill phrased and sometimes outright baffling comments. Like a a stack of kids in a large overcoat pretending to be an adult, the ruse is usually foiled when an attempt to communicate to another adult reveals the lie and results in the coat being ripped off the tower of children sitting on each others shoulders. I don’t understand why spam comments have to be so poorly written. Perhaps by changing random elements of the comments it allows the spam comment to pass under the radar of the Askimet spam checks. Here is an example of what I have been receiving.

Spam Comment : “Great post. Thanks for the helpful cheat sheets. Now maybe I’ll get my head wrapped around this stuff. Probably not, but it’s a goal. Gotta have them goals.”

Thank you high definition plasma bot for those kind and friendly words. Nothing makes me happier than the knowledge that my cheat sheets are helping a piece of cutting edge home electronics get their head around those tricky goals. Gotta have them goals my friend, gotta have them goals. Also, just like the rest of us human folk, a plasma tv requires some tasty snacks from the local mall in the company of a pretty girl or handsome gent depending on gender or persuasion. If this trend continues the only logical explanation is that these sentient digital beings have adopted me as their human leader and mentor and expect me teach them how to exist undetected in human blog society. Picked the wrong guy to help you pass as a normal member of blog society my emotionless pulse challenged friends.

Tim : So all I have to do is get up and essentially just point at the big image of the new iPhone 5 and smile.
Steve : As simple as that. Trust me Tim.

In terms of what happened to my post last week, I was set to produce a couple of posts just after the announcement of the iPhone 4S but obviously this area of Apple related humor became a little out-of-bounds with the sad passing of Mr Jobs and I decided to not publish these so close to this unfortunate event. I will though provide some snippets of these posts as nothing that I was proposing to publish was particularly disrespectful. My first post was based around the idea that the iPhone 4S release was the first of many hazing exercises arranged by Steve himself to see if Tim was up to the task of running Apple. I collected and edited a number of images portraying these initiation tasks with an escalation of absurdity as the tasks progressed.

“Did you see his face Mark when the curtain was pulled back to not reveal the iPhone 5? Priceless, just priceless.”

“Are you sure Steve that this is how the previous iPhone model was launched in Mexico.”

“Ok Steve, I am starting to see a pattern now.”

My second post was based around the revelation of a little bit of my geek side that bubbled to the surface when I saw the specifications of the new iPhone 4S. What excited me, and probably geeks alike, was that the new phone was actually better technically than the base 4 model and had the same processing and graphical grunt as the iPad2. Yes I know, I know. I can hear the vast majority of you guys yawning already and I can sense the glazing over of uninterested eyes but bear with me for a little bit longer. My son has observed that I am perhaps trapped in an era of gaming long gone. Whether it be a Wii, desktop PC, laptop, mobile phone, or iPad I always play the same game. Galaxian. I played it as a kid for 20c in the local fish and chip shop and now as an adult I play it on $900 mobile devices.

People saw a new more powerful iPhone but I simply saw a new platform that was capable of running MAME and hence capable of running Galaxian. I did the usual and created a set of images illustrating how far I would take my Galaxian obsession if given access to even more cool technology. Here are a couple of those images.

Thank you Mr Jobs for bringing me yet another Galaxian platform.

This would have been a better concept for Battlefield Earth in my opinion.

Don’t shoot him yet R2. He is worth more when he is flying down.

I think that is enough of Apple and Spam based content for a little while I think. There are so many other topics to discuss such as Occupy Wall Street, earthquakes, and more importantly a new hunt for the the Yeti which has uncovered a single hair and a footprint. I am almost 100% certain now that Bigfoot exists or that one of the researchers brought Chewbacca slippers with them for the cold nights. Let’s see what happens in the upcoming week. Ape out.


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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2 Responses to Luke Warm Off The Press

  1. HoaiPhai says:

    I, too, rely on the bots to avoid WordPress sending me a message saying something like “Dear Writing Raccoon. It has come to the attention of our giant bean counting tabulator that in spite of you posting occasionally, your only traffic comes from Russian knock-off Kleenex site bots and even then only sporadically. While we pride ourselves on providing a forum to just about anyone who can almost tell the difference between ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’, we now consider your blog not worth the electrons to keep anyone interested. In the interest of East/West détente, we are allowing your half-assed attempts at humour and social comment to remain a short while longer in an effort to keep Siberian Sneeze Recovery Systems at the forefront of consumer conscientiousness.”

    I am also saddened by Steve Job’s death even though I don’t own any Apple stuff. I’d like an iPod so I can have access to a zillion songs in my car and to run a depth-of-field app but this did not seem like an appropriate reason to divert hundreds of dollars from the household budget that could otherwise be embezzled so I can buy expensive camera stuff to help elevate my photos to a higher level of mediocre. I don’t have much use for a cellphone but do own a pay-as-you-go Samsung flip-phone that I bought because it was really inexpensive and that it was the phone on my local grocery store phone shelf that looked most like the Communicators in the original Star Trek TV series. My Samsung is data capable, but I don’t subscribe to the service as I only use the phone to call the wife after work to tell her to start the worry countdown for my drive home. Any kind of data plan or any bare bones iPhone plan in Canada is more expensive than a sheikh’s mistress. Do you think I could get an iPhone and route the calls through my cheapo Samsung via Bluetooth so I get all the bragging rights, the depth-of-field app, MP3s in the car, and Galaxian access but only have to pay for maybe 3 fifty-second calls per week at my pay-as-you-go rate of 20¢/min?

    Excellent post, by the way! And I’m waiting with baited (coon) breath for the release of your original iPhone piece.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Haha. I thought I was ahead in the stakes of retro tech with the Galaxian reference from the late 70’s but you trumped me with the 60’s Star Trek communicator reference. I think you have just provided Apple a vision of where their iPhone 5 styling should be going. I’ll preorder 6 of these gadgets right now!

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