I am sure that this is a phrase many parents have heard on numerous occasions since the advent of home video games many a year ago. It is five minutes before you need to either send the kids to school, leave to attend a family function or perhaps, as I was the other day, doing what I thought would be well received and announcing that dinner was ready. Did I get a “That’s awesome Dad and the aromas are just mouth watering.” or even just a simple grunt of positive acknowledgement? No. What I was presented with was the hunched over back of a boy in the midst of getting some pixelated little ninja character from one to side of the screen to the other accompanied by the all too familiar plea for just a second or two of additional gaming time.
“I can’t pause this Dad!!”
“I can’t pause this Dad!”. This claim by mini-Ape is difficult to refute unless he is playing Back To The Future which allows for a variety of time control functions such as pause, rewind and pour manure on Biff.
As any reasonable parent would do, I explain to him the finer details of exothermic and endothermic chemical reactions and how the heat transfer between the dead poultry and surrounding room atmosphere, whilst maintaining thermal equilibrium, would steadily continue resulting in a cold meal and this process, unlike his video game, most definitely does not possess a pause button. Usually by the time I finish explaining this chemical process, mini-Ape has succeeded in moving the Ninja from point A to point B, wandered over to the dinner table and commenced complaining that his meal has gone cold. If you can not convince a small child to walk away from his video game with the wonders of chemical processes then I am at a loss as to what else could be used to pry away his little button mashing mittens from the game controller.
Luckily I can take my recently dutch oven roasted chicken and place it my time suspension chamber that I bought for just such an occasion. Only $59.95 US on eBay if you are willing to spend the time haggling with someone possessing an infinite amount of time on their hands.
The other evening, when confronted with this all too familiar plea from mini-Ape, my mind was seduced back into thoughts of time travel and the ability to control and manipulate time. What if in the same circumstances I was able to say no problem and then suspend in time the rapidly cooling meal on the unwanted children’s dinner plates. I then thought to myself if I did have this power would I really be that practical with it? I have made requests in past posts to be allowed access to the official WordPress DeLorean to allow me to post as frequently and of a high quality as other bloggers do. Would I really follow through with this promise of a glorious cascading waterfall of achingly beautiful posts or would I use my mastery of the chronological in a bone headed fashion. I think the latter.
Time Travel Caper 1: King Hit Musical
– Have present self call neighbor over, tell them in a distressed manner that your cat is stuck up in the tree and that you’re scared of heights.
– Meanwhile, your future self will be in the tree dressed as a cat and hidden within thick foliage.
– When your neighbor arrives at the top of the ladder they will most likely exclaim, “Hey weren’t you just down at the bottom a second ago?”
– At this point future self will punch them in the face and yell “That’s SIR Mr Lloyd Webber to you!”, as they fall back down to the ground.
Obviously when I do come back as future self I will have to target a date later than the date of this post to ensure that present self does not get shocked by the presence of future self but instead nods knowingly and starts digging out the cat costume hidden in the back of the wardrobe. I will not disclose too many more of my planned chronological capers on this post so as to not risk some of them being found out early and foiled prior or during their execution. Now all that remains is to gain access to a time travel device. Man, this absence of flux capacitor based technology is really limiting my options.
“Young lady, you know what mum and dad have said about bringing your future self to dinner unannounced. Based on the looks of your future self, I think that is enough mashed potato seconds for you little Miss.”
I can hear most of you already saying, “Ape, there is no such thing as time travel so just give it up once and for all.” Patience my good readers, patience. You will know when we have cracked the challenge of time travel by the dull thud of someone falling off a ladder followed by some incoherent swearing about some stupid feline themed musical. When Albert Einstein back in the 80’s invented time and wing door fitted sports cars, this was exactly how he saw his fantastic invention being used. I better finish this post here as I need to make dinner for the mini-Apes.
“Time travel equals LOL!”, Albert Einstein.