So Long Kim Yong Il And Thanks For All The Fish

As most would agree there is no better way to reward a devout group of followers than by handing out a stupid quantity of deceased fish. It worked for Jesus when he sent a clear message to the Galilean commercial fisheries industry that a new player was in town, it worked for Gemmy Industries when they produced and supplied a singing trophy mounted fish for the masses to highlight to children the horrors of dead sea creatures becoming karaoke zombies and now it has worked for Kim Jong Il who has posthumously showered his grieving nation with the pleasures one can only find in a stupid quantity of dead fish. It has cemented his legacy as the Supreme leader, an obscure reference to his supernatural pizza making prowess, and sets the bar high for his son who is preparing to step into his father’s shoes.

Send them an absolute sh@t load of these silver ones, a quantifiable f%*k load of these orange ones and then have each one hand engraved to say “From El Supremo KJI”.

Now if like me you are disappointed in not having been invited to attend the funeral of Kim Jong Il to pay your respects then fear not as there are more dictator death hijinks to be had in the coming days and weeks. In order to ensure the smooth ascension of Kim Jong Un, with the Un pronounced like a James Brown Uhhn! grunt, the new potential leader must be taken on a number of activities to confirm that he, like his father, is kick ass at everything and, Q.E.D., logically kick ass at running a neurotic nation with a hair trigger on their nuclear arsenal. Feats of skill and general awesomeness such as regular hole-in-ones, mind-control weather abilities, pioneering fine cuisine such as hamburgers, kidnapping of film directors to make Godzilla films and the recent supply in mass of dead fish are but a few examples that have helped define the great man Kim Jong Il. Kim Jong Un will razzle and dazzle the masses as he not only matches his Father’s exploits but inevitably takes them to the next level with an expected Chuck Norris factor of at least 11/10.

Will Kim Jong Un live up to his father? Can he get a hole-in-none? Who’s hamburger cuisine will reign supreme!

I am waiting ever so eagerly for this nation, stuck in between two totally bodacious Supreme leaders, to offer up new “official” stories as to what Kim Jong Un has achieved, allowing him as many opportunities as possible to flex his North Korean leading biceps. If some complimentary dead fish happen to come my way then perhaps my memory could be assisted in recalling specific feats of Kim Jong Un that I may have already been witness to. Wink wink. In fact I am starting to recall a time when we played a daring game of Twister against a team of double-jointed Romanian gymnasts atop a live volcano whilst playing Flight of the Bumble Bee on petrol doused accordions that had been set on fire with cigarettes being smoked by irate cobras and … Oh the memory is gone again but I did read somewhere that fish is great for the brain. If only I had some fish.

I think there is someone at the door. Ooh a package! I wonder what it could be?


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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2 Responses to So Long Kim Yong Il And Thanks For All The Fish

  1. HoaiPhai says:

    I guess the Norks are as fish-oriented a society as their southern cousins. My wife’s niece (who lives in Seoul) just got a box of dead fish (I guess she’s not high enough up the corporate ladder to merit live ones) as a gift from some company she deals with as part of her job. Maybe KJU can better his old man by setting up a chain of DVD lending libraries where the fees are paid in fish instead of hard currency (or maybe a bunch of seafood shops where you pay for your meals with old DVDs). At any rate, I hear the young up and comer is one heck of a pick-a-number-between-one-and-ten guesser and might begin his personal mythology with tales of his numerical exploits against the Evil West.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      I have been a little disappointed in the lack of mythical achievements via poor government photoshopping for KJU. They have placed him in army tanks but he wasn’t fighting dinosaurs or shooting lasers from his eyes or anything awesome along those lines. Maybe KJI did all of his own photoshop work so perhaps it is likely that KJU is currently in a community college in North Korea learning Photoshop Creative Suite 5.

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