I Have Seen The Future And It Smells Of He-Goats

It is a new year and with a new year comes a new wave of opportunities and 2012 is off to great start already in this regard. Like most conventional IT managers I usually publish my open job positions on torn up pieces of paper that I burn and send up a chimney flue detailing specific requirements of the candidates such as not smelling of barley water. I am not alone in this practice and just a few days ago Dr Stephen Hawking was tearing up a new job advertisement, tossing it into his fire and watching the fiery remnants of it make their way up his chimney flue. The description of the role was quite simple and comprised a single image accompanied by a few words.

“Dr Hawking, do you really think Stop Press has any relevance here given that we are just updating a page on your web site?”
“Just shut it before I release a Brief History In Your Employment!”

I was tempted to apply for this role just for the opportunity to be hired and gradually over a period of years adapt my appearance each day to look more and more like Albert Einstein, and with the subtle introduction of vintage objects into his house, try to make Stephen Hawking slowly believe that he had travelled back in time to 1945. It’s a long build up to a fairly meager punch line but at worst it will make my Halloween costume selection for the next few years a little easier. I decided against this though because it was apparent to me that there are only a few people qualified to take on this role.

What do you mean by “Where the hell is my plasma TV and Xbox?”. Not really sure what you are talking about Hawkster. Now let’s turn on the wireless and catch up with that nice radio man Mr Welles.

Based on the mess of wiring and obvious aftermarket modifications, it is clear that the electronics could only be maintained by a mad scientist, and ideally one that has had experience with time and it’s associated applications. The only person to fit this bill is Doc Emmet Brown who, with his aftermarket DeLorean modification experience and keen skills with poorly wired flux capacitors, could easily keep the Hawk Mobile in tip top condition. There are some complications though with this candidate which I feel rule him out. Firstly he is located in the US with a young family and I am not sure he seems the type to relocate geographically for this type of role. Secondly, he is currently stuck in the wild west times and again I am not sure if he is the type to also relocate his family chronologically to the present time. Finally, there are rumors that he is a fictional film character which would make it difficult for him to perform the required duties unless the rumors that Hawking himself is a fictional Simpsons character are true in which case it should work out fine.

Unfortunately Ape No. 1 does not possess enough mad electricity skillz for this particular job. What? Did you just call me chicken?

In terms of maintaining his voice system there are two clear candidates here. The first would be Dr Andy Hildebrand, the father of AutoTune technology, who I am sure could help Dr Hawking reach a wider audience, such as the elusive Hipster market, and potentially opening up the doors for a joint Haw£ing-Ke$ha musical venture.

And yes of course we does
We runnin’ this Hadron just like a club
And no, you don’t wanna mess with us
Got Niels Bohr on my necklace-ace-ace

The other candidate would be Michael Winslow of Police Academy and Space Balls fame. Advantages of Winslow over Hildebrand would be that Winslow does not require batteries to make sounds and the range of sounds is far greater and generally more awesome. I can already see Hawking always wearing a bitchin’ space helmet just so that people can hear the sweet sounds of a space visor going up each time he arrives at a venue such as an international symposium or a McDonalds drive-thru. Drawbacks would be that Winslow would make it impossible for Hawking to drink a milkshake or eat a hamburger in public as the accompanying sounds would be inevitably embarrassing in nature for the brilliant physicist essentially undoing the impact of the visor going up display at the drive-thru. Additionally Hawking would eventually tire of people constantly asking Winslow to do his Jimi Hendrix instead of allowing him to act as the sound machine he was hired for.

Yes Ape No. 1 can confirm that he has found a new silly iPad app for merging faces. I am sure he will get bored of it in a post or two.

I think Dr Hawking has a tough decision on his hands and ultimately it is his decision, but if it was me I would choose to be rocking some sweet AutoTune sounds. The video below demonstrates how awesome the marriage of physics and bad singing can be.


Now apparently this going to be my 35th WordPress post and according to WordPress this is a significant milestone. I find the choice of 35 an interesting one as it does not seem to correlate with anything such as a post a week, a post a day, a post a month or similar. Given that this post was mostly scientific I will see what 35 is in the periodic table of elements on Wikipedia. Hmm, that’s interesting.

Bromine ( /ˈbroʊmiːn/ broh-meen or /ˈbroʊmɨn/ broh-min; from Greek: βρῶμος, brómos, meaning “stench (of he-goats)”)[2] is a chemical element with the symbol Br, an atomic number of 35, and an atomic mass of 79.904.


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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2 Responses to I Have Seen The Future And It Smells Of He-Goats

  1. HoaiPhai says:

    Congrats on the big 35!

    Wow! I’d love to make my livingroom “Einstein’s Study” where everyone would have to wear an Albert wig (host provided) to get in. We haven’t heard a lot from Dr. Hawking lately, have you noticed? There’s a rumour floating around that the FBI put two and two together and figured out that he was the one who voiced all Anonymous’ videos threatening Scientology.

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