You Are Going To Hell Ape … Meh

Thousands gathered in Rome to celebrate the end of Peace Month which culminates with the age old tradition of releasing peace doves. This act of symbolism is thought to date back hundreds of years when the first Pope, St Peter, in 65 A.D. began reenacting many of Jesus’ miracles such as the “Disappearing Of Leper’s Arm Miracle”, “Rolling Of Big Rock Miracle”, “Sawing Of The Lady In Half Miracle”, and the now immortalized “Peace Dove From A Gourd Miracle”. It was during this time that the Pope began wearing the iconic white magicians robes which became the standard dress worn by all Pontiffs from that point onwards. There was a nervous energy in the crowd as they awaited the noble and exciting climax to this ancient celebration.

The crowds wait patiently until finally someone in the crowd screams out,
“Peace dove fight!”

At this point the sky was obscured by a cloud of agitated feathers as peace doves were hastily yanked out of pockets, purses, and from beneath habits to be thrown frantically in a throw-first ask-questions-later bird projectile frenzy. This year Pope Benedict had not even made it half way through the Angelus prayer until a elderly and diminutive Romanian nun made the battle cry and let rip with a peace dove thrown so hard that it knocked the Pontiff off the podium and into the Vatican children’s choir directly behind him.

The formalities begin with the tossing of a single peace dove directed at the Pontiff which signals to the eagerly waiting masses to unleash the pending onslaught of feathery missiles.

A young local attending his first peace dove fight spoke of his experience in this ornithological maelstrom.

“It was wicked dude. From the moment I felt the first warm pillowy thud on the back of my head I knew that this was going to be friggin’ awesome. I totally think I hit a nun so hard her dentures came out. I will definitely be coming back next year to see if I can top that dentures shot.”


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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7 Responses to You Are Going To Hell Ape … Meh

  1. joehoover says:

    Finally, something in religion I can get on board wit. If I want to particpate do I email God directly?

  2. I’ve often wondered how the dove can be a symbol of peace when its feathers are used for violent pillow fights.

  3. HoaiPhai says:

    I hear next year they’ll be modifying the Papal Scepter to feature a graphite/tungsten tennis racquet head. To help level the playing field, the doves are supposed to be outfitted with razor sharp barbs on their legs. Don’t be surprised at the just before the doves are released when the Pope grasps a microphone that appears to be descending from the heavens and shouts, “Let’s get ready to rumble!” in Latin.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Once they get the scepter modified we are going to see whole lot more cases of Pontiff elbow. A little bit of anointing oil at the base of the elbow and two Hail Mary’s usually sorts it out though.

  4. HoaiPhai says:

    “Pontif elbow” Har!!

    It’s because of just this affliction that Pontif cadets are taught how to cross themselves, and the congregation, with either hand.

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