Obama Asks The Question – Is Mars A Tax Worth Having?


Scientists have voiced concerns after President Obama announced a significant cut in funding to the Mars exploration program. An agreement had been made between the United States and various other European bodies to place Mars rovers on the distant red planet with a view to having samples brought back to earth within the next decade. Obama has made it clear that he is looking at nearly halving the funding for the ExoMars project which would essentially ground the robotic rovers and delay any chances of a launch until at least 2020. Unfortunately without these programs to inspire and distract us with dreams of a bright future with the prospects of living on other worlds amongst sexy robots to excite us, scientists are concerned that the general population will be forced to instead focus their attention on our miserable and poorly taken care of present day earth.

“Dad, I heard some kids talking at school about how some families in other countries are so poor that they do not even have the latest iPhone 4S and that some kids do not even have their own iPhone but instead have to make do with an Android clone. Is this true?”
“Let’s talk about something else like this bitchin’ $10,000 telescope we are looking through right now and imagining how awesome the iPhones would be on Mars.”

Scientists cited the year 1969 as a year that best demonstrates how important it is to have a multi-billion dollar distraction such as a Moon landing which helped people cope with, or ignore, some of the other less inspiring and sometimes horrifying events that also took place during that year. The following list highlights just a few of the disturbing realities that people could have been exposed to had they not been too busy staring at a man in a unflattering white onesie with a fish bowl perched precariously on his head.

“5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1. Houston we have lift off … (in hushed tones) psst, if any large corporate, religious, or government bodies have something “special” to do, all eyes are now glued to the shuttle … Just keep on looking in that direction folks. Don’t want to miss the magic that is 45 billion dollars being set on fire.”

In 1969

  • Rupert Murdoch purchases the British “The News of the World” publication.
  • Pope Paul VI flips the worlds biggest anti-romantic bird by removing St Valentine from the Roman calendar of Saints … on February 14th.
  • The Haunted Mansion attraction opens at Disneyland California which then goes on to inspire the 2003 Eddie Murphy movie of the same name.
  • The Brady Bunch makes it’s tv debut.
  • Sean “Diddy” Combs is born.

For my Canadian readers, well to be honest reader, in 1969 French became English’s equal in the Canadian government’s eyes. Sacre Bleu!! For my other non-Canadian readers this is Ape’s lame attempt at a Canadian-French toast joke.

Hopefully sanity prevails and Obama’s proposal is rejected otherwise we will find ourselves in the awkward situation of being aware of the world’s many problems and this will prove a really depressing distraction when at the same time we need to be contemplating how to spend the extra few billions now burning a hole in our pockets. I for one find it difficult to focus and pick the right jet ski model when my head is full of nonsense such as poverty and inequality. I may have to buy a few different jet ski models to cover all bases. Damn you Obama!


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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4 Responses to Obama Asks The Question – Is Mars A Tax Worth Having?

  1. HoaiPhai says:

    As a person living in a third world country who doesn’t have an iPhone (I have a Samsung that looks exactly like Cap’n Kirk’s communicator, but mine has a VGA camera, and I don’t even know what operating system it uses), I’d just like to say three things…

    1. If NASA wanted samples of red earth, they should have thought about that when they could have gotten it paying much cheaper “ground shipping” during the Vietnam War years.
    2. I was born in French Canada (but I’m an English-speaking guy) and just had French toast light (just the eggy fried bread, sans bacon, but with bone fide Quebec maple syrup) two days ago.
    3. Great post!

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Maple syrup you say. Looks like I have a little cooking experiment to do. Also someone with artistic typographic skills has to produce a Sans Bacon font set.

      • HoaiPhai says:

        Maple syrup is THE way to go! About the Sans Bacon typeface… there just happens to be a town just 13 km away from my house called Fonthill, Ontario… I imagine it’s the veritable Canadian Mecca of typography so the next time I’m around there, I’ll be sure to check for a Sans Bacon font!

      • Ape No. 1 says:

        I found my quill, on Ontario’s Fonthill…

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