Just Face It Ape. This Post Will Not Get Finished.

Japanese researchers today held their eighth straight press conference in as many days to talk about some stupid speech silencing gun called the “SpeechJammer”. Attendees from around the world endured hour after hour of monotonous self trumpet blowing on this supposedly amazing invention that allows a noisy talker to be silenced in their tracks from a distance of up to 30 feet away. The researchers in each press conference have commenced with a painfully detailed account of their own childhood experiences, followed by a sequence of stories of their journey from child to adult culminating, after 14 hours of non-stop talking, in the creation of the SpeechJammer.

Insert amusing caption about attendees wanting to jam SpeechJammer somewhere awkward. Make a couple of additional closing jokes with some images, and then close with an absurd moral of the story statement.


Some of my more astute readers may be wondering, “Ape, what happened to the rest of this post. Will you finish it at some point?” The answers to these questions are simple. Firstly, I have once again found myself lacking in time and secondly, no I will not be finishing this post unless you consider the strange narrative to follow a substantial enough conclusion for this post. I began this blogging journey nearly one year ago now and this theme of being time challenged has been the one constant in my blogging experience. That and my small number of readers though I will interpret that as meaning that my blog has a level of exclusiveness that other’s can only look at in envy.

“Are you sure, Blogger and WordPress boffins, that this contraption I am strapping myself into is safe. No, not really? Well at least you are honest.”

I have a large collection of unfinished posts which start as a simple single idea gag on a news item but never quite make the transition to be a full post. Given that my first year of blogging is nearly complete I will clean the blogging slate so to speak by deleting these half finished drafts from my iPad to start my second year of blogging with no baggage from my previous year. Here is a snippet of some of those ideas before I press that delete button.

(Put On Your Blogging Goggles Now)

Drive Thru Order Overheard in Heaven

Genesis 15: 9

The Lord answered, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon.”

Ape Attempts To Create A New Word – The NickelBack


This was going to be a post where I attempted to coin a new term, the NickelBack, to mean a lame comeback as a retort to another’s insult. For example if someone said to you, “Nice haircut”, in a sarcastic manner you could return a NickelBack such as … um … well you can see why I never finished this post. Happy for any readers to suggest their own NickelBacks.

Ape’s Dig At The Sarah Palin Reality TV Show


Here I began compiling a list of possible tv shows for Sarah and her snow mobile loving husband.

Meet The Dumb Fockers

Mission To Moscow

From Alaska To The Kremlin

Shooting With The Stars

So You Think You Can Read

Judgmental Eye For The Queer Guy

Ape’s Attempt At British Humor


The main gag here was that since this Sussex based roller coaster was so dangerous for valuable people’s lives it was to be dismantled and moved to an amusement park in Essex. Perhaps Mr Hoover and GFB could confirm if this would have made any sense to anyone.

Ape’s Philosophical Moment

Finally here is a little excerpt from a piece I wrote for myself when I first started blogging. Hopefully it provides some insight into what makes the Ape tick.

I began writing as an attempt to try something new. I have always found that I can make people laugh in the real world, so in my mind I thought that this trait would translate seamlessly into the digital world. I have made a number of discoveries along the way that, whilst not discouraging me from believing that I can make people laugh, have made me more wary of how I extract humor from life and how difficult it is to capture something so alive as a laugh in something so dead and static as fixed text. Many would argue that the written form is anything but a dead form but I would have to disagree. It is the readers mind that brings the ideas to life. Another dead form is film which comprises a simple sequence of still images. The mind however can extrapolate movement and life in these frozen consecutive moments in time if the images are shown in the correct order and at the correct pace. In a written piece, an author must provide the correct sequence of ideas unfurled at the correct pace to ensure the illusion of movement and life is maintained such that that the reader is experiencing the author’s thoughts and not just simply seeing the author’s words on the screen. (Ape No. 1, 2011)






About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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7 Responses to Just Face It Ape. This Post Will Not Get Finished.

  1. joehoover says:

    I can indeed, I originated from Sussex myself, and it’s true Essex people are of less value, but as a county they have some considerable wealth built up monopolising the tanning salon industry. For example, should their hair extensions get caught in the mechanism of the ride and scalp them then there wouldn’t be much sympathy.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Is the tanning salon obsession an acknowledgment of a lower worth by the Essex folk themselves and they are actually trying to convince the rest of the country that they are literally made of gold and therefore quite valuable contrary to popular opinion?

      • joehoover says:

        Haha, very good point. Maybe that’s why they also cake themselevs in make up, a kind of mummifying effect so they’ll never age.

  2. I concur with Hoover on this one – Essex is indeed a strange place much – upon viewing this the locals would have thought it was the last bus out of Sarfend on a Friday night after the copious amounts of Class A’s and strong lager consumed before the mass brawl and projectile vomitting of kebabs had given them a “blindin” night out.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      It is interesting that the kebab, a meal once enjoyed by royals and dignitaries many hundreds of years ago, is now so strongly associated with fist fights, unnaturally orange skin, and cheap alcohol.

  3. HoaiPhai says:

    “…a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon” sounds like the performers at the “jiggle bar” my friends took me to for my bachelor party!

    Don’t give up these old ideas… I’m in the same boat as you. I have been blooging in seven-minute spurts for the past several months and have about fifteen drafts that are little more than a title followed by a few fertile ideas (manure is fertile, too). Some are time-sensitive posts, like the ones for next Christmas and Valentine’s Day. It’s so difficult to get into the zone for short periods of time.

    Your Philosophical Moment is inspired and I’m glad you shared it!

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Glad you enjoyed the philosophical moment. I discovered during my partial post purge party that I had an equal quantity of nonsense and almost serious content. I suppose the more we write we better we get at it.

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