Elderly Forget Why They Were Outside Apple Store

In scenes reminiscent of the iPhone 5 launch that never was, millions of technology fans have been left disappointed once again after Apple, during it’s much anticipated press conference, failed to announce a new iPad but instead unveiled a cheap and commercially ready to deploy cure for Alzheimer’s disease. Apple had been working secretly in this area for the last two years after collaborating with two relatively unknown Hungarian researchers who had made a significant breakthrough in linking a small growth in the cerebral cortex to the onset of Alzheimer’s. In a simple and safe procedure, the affected area of the cerebral cortex can be treated resulting in a full recovery in patients at any stage of the disease.

The new treatment launched by Apple, iRememberYouNow (TM), allows those suffering from dementia to make a complete recovery and once again enjoy an independent and fulfilling life.

Apple stock plummeted in value soon after the announcement with a massive 65% reduction in the company’s market value by trading days end. Analysts stated that Apple’s failure to live up to the rumors of a slimmer, more powerful, and higher definition iPad have really impacted the world’s trust in the company ever being able to produce anything significant and innovative again without the late Steve Jobs at the helm. The iRememberYouNow (TM) could be looked at in the not distant future as the poor decision that ended this once inspiring and successful company.

Angry customers vented their fury at Apple stores around the world culminating in violent clashes with police at various locations.

It is unclear if the technology giant can recover from this disastrous announcement but already there are some early signs that many diehard fans are placing their orders anyway for this medical treatment despite the obvious lack of a high definition screen and 4G support. Whether this grassroots support is enough to keep the company afloat is yet to be seen.

Apple Employee: Sorry dear but you are going to have to stick with your iPad 2 for a little while longer.
Elderly Lady : Are you the Queen? You smell nice.

 

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About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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8 Responses to Elderly Forget Why They Were Outside Apple Store

  1. HoaiPhai says:

    I’ve heard a rumour that Apple’s next phone will contain a pellet of Cobalt-60 so it will cure the tumors that cellphoning causes in one fell swoop. They are going to deviate from the convention of preceding the device’s name with a lower-case “i” and are naming this new phone “The γPhone”. [γ = “gamma”, by the way]

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      I like your trail of thought. Innovations that solve problems that they themselves introduced. I am sure there is huge list of ideas that could be created based on this theme.

  2. I look forward to the day when I lose my mind but still have my iPad 32 to save a few of my brain cells. Right now I’m waiting for the Real Life app to come out so I can finally free myself from this time-sucking internet hell I’m addicted to at the moment.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Real Life app? You mean you don’t walk around in real life scrawling comments on people’s shirts after you have shared a conversation with them and then see what other’s have then added below your comments. Surely handing someone an actual “Like” sticker if they amuse you in a real life conversation should help strengthen the relationship.

      • HoaiPhai says:

        Genius! If only I had a video camera I’d try something like that and post the resulting footage. Please remember this idea in case there is ever a WordPress Blogger Convention!

      • A WordPress convention would be amazing. Handing out ‘like’ stickers is genius. And if we get trolls? Am I allowed to punch them in the face? That would be so much more satisfying than simply deleting them.

      • Ape No. 1 says:

        I like the “punching in the face” idea. I think Apple would call this a natural user interface or, based on the inevitable name it will be patented by, the Apple Natural User In-your-face (TM).

      • HoaiPhai says:

        How about a sticker with a picture of Shrek for the trolls?

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