Kim Yong Un Speaks In Public … Mostly Shouts In Private

For the handful of you who have been waiting with bated breath for the next installment of the Simian Monologues your wait is over. As usual my other life has taken over for a little while and this blog, and my reading of other people’s blogs, has needed to take a back seat to other less amusing topics. The problem that arises out of this absence of blogging activity is that the build up of bullshit in my brain is so high that I struggle to focus on a single idea for a single cohesive post and getting started again is difficult. Instead this week I have decided to release the bullshit valve a little more than usual and get some of these childish ideas out of my head and hopefully get myself back into a more controlled release of bullshit.

So much has happened in the last few weeks, April Fools included, but I will at least narrow down my focus to the always amusing North Korean Kim Yong Un and his recent antics. So without further adieu here is a raw stream of nonsense to hopefully amuse you or more than likely completely alienate you.


North Korean Rocket Goes South

Millions express their distress at Ape’s cheesy headline and refute Ape’s claim that surely other’s must have already published this appalling headline somewhere else.


Kim Yong Un Threatens Western World With Giant Nuclear Fortune Cookie Over Inaccurate North Korean Racial Stereotypes

Ok Ape, I am holding my hands together like you asked. Hey wait a minute. Hey Ape, don’t think I won’t go crazy Kung Fu on your poorly researched blogging ass.


North Korean Army Taken By Surprise As Invading Army Approach From Behind Defeating Years Of Single Direction Parade Formation Training

Why is Commander Yong Un shouting “Behind you!” like a kids puppet show? More importantly, are you wearing make up General Lee?


Young 1985 Kim Travels To Future To Destroy Sports Almanac Brought Back By Future 2015 Kim. Fails To Get Rocket To 88 Miles An Hour

2015 Kim : This book will tell you the winners for all major North Korean sporting events from 1950 until 2000. You can’t go wrong.
1955 Kim : But I already control the winners for all major North Korean sporting events. Is there a shortage of fabric in the future that means you need to combine a business shirt with a suit jacket into a ridiculous single garment old man?


Kim Yong Un Rehearses Handshake Prior To Upcoming Diplomatic Meetings With Significantly Taller Western Leaders

“Alright Kim, you know you can do this. So I smile politely, raise my hand to meet his lowered hand, look him straight in the eye, and ignore the temptation to quickly pull him closer and head butt him square in the castanets.”

———————-

Alright, let’s close off that valve now and allow the Ape to catch up on some serious blog reading. The question is do I commence reading newest posts first or oldest posts first …

Not sure if this going to hold very well boss but I guess it will have to do. I can still see a small leak concerning Richard Dawkins and Archbishop George Pell debating that if the T- Rex had absurdly small hands but also in stark contrast stupidly large feet what could be deduced about the size of his male member. The leak seems to have stopped now. We’re all good.

 

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About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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9 Responses to Kim Yong Un Speaks In Public … Mostly Shouts In Private

  1. HoaiPhai says:

    Funny, I didn’t see any INACCURATE North Korean stereotypes here. The Norks really do always seem to be marching in straight lines and are so “high-steppin’ “, I find it hard to imagine a scenario in which they could pull off a successful surprise attack on anyone. Rumour has it that after the rocket failed, the new Pres-San had everyone shot who wore “We’re Number Un” t-shirts to the launch party and has reached out to the West for technical support from the Viagra company to ensure that his next missile will stay up long enough to ensure re-entry.

    On a personal note, I cannot tell you how jealous I am of you… after a couple of weeks away you manage to form the backed-up bullshit into several independent ideas. Whenever I come back from a WP absence, my BS congeals into one giant BM (Blog Message) of a post.

    Glad to see that you finally made bail and are back with us. You (and everyone else) missed an Orient-oriented post on my blog about martial arts that you might enjoy, even if you just have time to look at the pictures. You might have also missed the results to Greatsby photo thing… as usual you and I were like a two-cylinder Porsche motor… you and I both pulled up the rear, equal vote for vote.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Equal last you say in the caption competition. Surely we have earned the right to the chant “We’re number Un!”.

      I saw the words “martial arts”, “pictures”, and “enjoy”. Gotta go and read that post…

      (sound of a misfiring porsche speeding off into the distance)

  2. Nooooooo…open the BS valve back up, Ape!

    I am so glad you described that lovely suit/blouse combo because for a minute I thought he might be wearing something Hugh Hefner would wear to a funeral.

  3. Brilliant as always – by the by some cracking haircuts amongst the Politburo as well.

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