Forest Chump

The mystery of the unidentified German forest boy has been finally been solved. After his image was posted online by German authorities, a woman came forward claiming that she had recognized the mysterious youth and knew his real identity. The woman made the following statement to the media.

“As soon as I saw his smiling face I knew exactly who he was. He is actually Dutch. Major Alan “Dutch” Schaefer to be exact or at least that is what this fruit loop likes people to call him. This is not the first time the nut job has disappeared into a forest claiming to be human prey in a bizarre Hunger Games style Alien blood sport. Lock up the insane freak I say.”

The photo German authorities released to the public in a desperate final attempt to discover the forest boy’s identity.

In an exclusive interview German journalist David Hasselhoff posed a number of questions to the forest boy in an attempt to try to understand his full story. The following is an extract of that interview.

Hoff: Now that you know who you really are, are you planning to head back home to your family?

Dutch: [looks up in awareness] He’s using the trees.

Hoff: Interesting. What made you come to the forest in the first place?

Dutch: Anna, this thing is hunting us. *All* of us. You know that?

Hoff: Why this particular forest instead of one closer to home?

Dutch: Run! Get to the chopper!

Authorities are now in the process of arranging the forest boy’s safe return to his family where he can finally pick up the pieces of the life he left behind all those years ago and hopefully receive the appropriate support that he needs to function in normal society again.

The forest boy relaxing at an undisclosed German location awaiting the news of when he will finally be taken back home.


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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7 Responses to Forest Chump

  1. Or perhaps the German police were afraid that Forest Boy might’ve been a descendant of the Inglourious Basterds.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Either the spam engines have finally become sentient Skynet style to produce such a convincing Turing machine like comment, or you just really, really like laptop batteries. I’ll approve your comment and go with the batteries theory.

  2. List of X says:

    Congratulations to the Dutch on winning his Forest Survival challenge. He will now advance to the next round to go against Katniss Everdeen!
    P.S. No, buy Dell batteries!

  3. HoaiPhai says:

    If that poor kid had access to some decent batteries while lost in the jungles of Germany, he would have been able to call up Google Maps and get his *ss out of there long ago.

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