This Post Does Not Mention The Olympics … Much

Government officials from Namibia, considered one of the driest countries in Africa, are celebrating the discovery of a large ancient underground water reservoir. Namibia currently sources much of it's water from remote water supplies delivered by canal but this discovery has the potential of Namibia becoming self sufficient for at the least the next 400 years. The Namibian government has already secured a deal with a corporate partner to help with the logistics of accessing and distributing the new water supply to it's 2.1 million citizens. President Hifikepunye Pohamba announced Coca Cola as the organization that would be given exclusive access to the water supply to take ownership of the delicate process of drilling, extraction, and conversion of the tasteless 10,000 year old liquid to something infinitely more palatable and fit for human consumption such as Fanta, Vanilla Diet Coke, or the awesome Full Throttle energy drink.

The partnership between Namibia and Coca Cola will provide the thirsty nation with their own much needed personal passport to refreshment and perhaps access to live but heavily caffeine buzzed animal and bird life.

Coca Cola have announced that all Namibian residents will receive a 5% discount on purchases of twenty four cans or more, approximately two weeks salary for an average household, of any Coca Cola branded soft drink. In addition to this generous offer they will be opening up Coca Cola themed water parks at the five different drilling locations to ensure that any excess water not used in the manufacturing process is not wasted and is put to good use. Coca Cola were quick to point out that the pristine clear excess waters will not have been treated with the trademarked Coca Cola soft drink process so it did not recommend simply drinking the water from the water park fountains but instead recommended purchasing a can or bottle of soft drink from one of the many vending machines that will be littered around the water parks.

Namibians have been warned against the dangers of drinking the unprocessed waters from ther water parks but have assured concerned potential visitors that a spectrum of swagger bringing sugary beverages will be available for purchase from a bevy of vending machines.

Locals are understandably excited about the deal between the government and Coca Cola as too long have they been forced to endure a dry and arid existence without the sweet effervescent satisfaction of a diuretics infused soft drink and kick ass jungle animal themed 30 foot high water slide park.

“I have been unable to offer my family the cold, crisp taste of Coke nor the thrills of a 30 foot high water slide and this has weighed heavily on me as a husband and father. I only hope that now my family can finally live on the Coke side of life.”


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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16 Responses to This Post Does Not Mention The Olympics … Much

  1. “I’d like to teach the world to sing….in perfect harmony…..”

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Haha. I can only imagine how some these crazy slogans get created.

      “Hey Bob, Coca Cola is Shit.”
      “I like the honesty Steve but why don’t we shorten it a bit so that it fits on the side of a can.”
      “Coca Cola is it! I like it. I’ll have Mike start working on this new campaign straight away.”

      • I used to drink tons of Coke then stopped because I grew fond of my stomach lining. Then recently I had a sip of one and spit it out like they do in TV sitcoms.

  2. List of X says:

    I just hope Coca Cola will spare no efforts in preventing a catastrophic spill of unflavored H2O. A water spill of a size of the BP 2010 Gulf disaster can spell doom to the fragile ecosystem of the Namibian desert.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      If Coca Cola can remove the build up off car battery terminals, imagine the cleaning wonders it can do with removing water from a poor damp desert fairy penguin.

      • List of X says:

        Oh yes, I can just imagine crowds of GreenPeace activists carefully wiping this dangerous water off the poor damp desert snakes, scorpions, and tarantulas.

  3. You know what? I wouldn’t be 100% shocked if this actually happened. That or some bottled water company would buy the rights and all the money would end up in the politicians pockets. Oo er. I’ve come all over Bob Geldof (sorry, that’s not an image you want in your head).

  4. HoaiPhai says:

    I’m glad to see Coke doing something to help the poor and underprivileged. I have believed for many years that water contains a poisonous impurity that also makes it transparent. I have found that filtering it through freshly ground coffee returns water to it’s natural brown colour. Then I burn the old grinds in a smelter to make sure they don’t reenter the ecosphere.

    By the way, this post certainly is “the real thing”!

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      As they say, “Things Go Better With Coke”. Small businesses go, natural water supplies go, people’s teeth and stomach linings go (stole Darla’s gut based comment), healthy lifestyles go, …

  5. God Bless ’em – so giving!

  6. Smart move; Jason Bateman is incredibly likeable. I might have to reconsider my decision to sit this election out.

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