In Which Poo Invents A New Gates

http://www.news.com.au/sport/usain-bolts-a-drug-cheat-and-you-know-it-columnists-explosive-doping-charge

http://www.theaustralian.com.au/sport/london-games/disgraced-shot-putter-framed-by-coach

The sports community is in shock with a second London 2012 athlete being stripped of their gold medals after testing positive for a banned substance. Belarusian shot putter, Nadzeya Ostapchuk, was the first of the athlete's to be stripped of her gold medal after testing positive in two separate tests handing the medal to Adams from New Zealand but now track god Usain Bolt finds himself on the wrong side of the rules. Officials have confirmed that track sensation Usain Bolt has tested positive to caffeine sourced from a non-official sponsor manufacturered beverage. Usain's team doctor has insisted that Usain has only been enjoying the real taste of Coca Cola, but IOC tests have shown clearly that Bolt has been secretly consuming RC Cola in a clear violation of the banned substance regulations.

Bolt's lawyers are claiming that Bolt's team doctor mistook RC Cola, Royal Crown Cola, as an official limited release Coca Cola dedicated to her Majesty the Queen for the London Olympics. Unfortunately this now throws into question whether or not the famous Bolt chicken nugget meal pre-race boast was a reference to a Nuggets McHappy Meal or if his Beijing gold medals were also achieved under a non-official sponsor banned substance.

—————— BONUS CRAP —————–

Firstly I will come clean and admit that the title of this post is for another article. This one to be exact.

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/bill-gates-kicks-off-search-for-new-toilet

This is what happens when Ape thinks of a title for a post but no actual content, and also thinks of actual content for a different story but can not think of a matching title. The end result is a title unrelated to the actual post but enough of the magic behind the curtain.

It has been about a year since I shoved my old Blogger blog into a cryogenic freezer and so to commemorate this freezaversary I have defrosted an old post. Over a year ago the plain packaging cigarette battle in Australia had begun in the supreme courts and today the case has concluded with the tobacco companies being left licking their wounds with their taste impaired smoker's tongues.

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/nz-hails-aust-plain-packaging-ruling

I have edited out some of the more random paragraphs that rambled on about drug cartels, ninja turtles, and racist Microsoft marketing material. So here is a blast from Ape's blogging past!

———————— Insert Old Crap Here ———————

Warning – Plain Packaging Harms Unborn Profits

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=8254084

The tobacco industry has employed some heavy hitters to weigh into the plain packaging debate triggered by recent government decisions in Australia. Peter Allgeier and Nick Naylor have been brought in to highlight to the Australian government, with the assistance of the Malaysian government, the implications of this controversial policy. Their goal is to make Australia aware that whilst the policy may help in stopping potential new smokers from picking up the cool Hollywood habit it will not have an impact on the large existing smoker community or the even larger demographic of deceased smokers. Worse still it could end up affecting innocent people such as tobacco company shareholders or executives.

Allgeier and Naylor expressing their concerns to the media on the plain packaging policy highlighting the limited demographic addressed by the new policy.

Various packaging options have been considered by the government and numerous trials have been undertaken to see which particular type of packaging will have the highest, or indeed lowest, impact. This has provided a great context for minimalist artists around the world to demonstrate just how unimaginative and low effort great art can be as they put forward their bland creations to the Australian government for consideration. It is thought that a decision will be made in the coming months as to which specific design will be chosen.

Some of the proposed plain packaging designs for cigarettes being currently considered by the Australian government.

Bringing Malaysia into the cigarette debate is a smart move from Allgeier and Naylor given Malaysia’s strong stance on the tobacco topic. Malaysia lagged Cuba by only a few short years in the banning of tobacco sales to minors with the introduction of legislation in 1993.

http://www.who.int/tobacco/global_data/country_profiles/Appendix_B.pdf

This is an amazing accomplishment given Cuba’s reputation as being a strong advocate in the restriction of tobacco sales in the world. The Australian government will need to be prepared to defend it’s stance on plain packaging with the debate likely to continue for a while longer still.

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About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
This entry was posted in Satire and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to In Which Poo Invents A New Gates

  1. joehoover says:

    I was interuppted during a pint and a fag the other day, some girls were asking me to sign a petition to counter the threat of plain packaging. I declined of course, I told themI endorse plain packaging as I plan to market slip-on cigarette pack covers. I’m thinking Hello Kitty, Teletubbies, Ben 10 or Barbie designs for example, whatever the kids are into these days really.

  2. I knew there was something shifty about Bolt!

  3. HoaiPhai says:

    Har! Great concept, “non-official sponsor banned substance”!
    And Nadzeya Ostapchuk doesn’t look at all like a woman who has been guzzling testosterone at all, no siree Bob! It’s perfectly normal for a woman to look like Ellen Degeneres’ and Dana Carvey’s love child, only with all the beefy butchiness of Vince Vaughn.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Reminds me of that childhood rhyme.

      What are little girls made of?
      “Sugar and spice and that dude from Miami Vice
      That’s what little girls are made of!”

      • HoaiPhai says:

        Funny you should say that… I haven’t even thought of that expression in years and just last night I was watching the episode of Skippy where Thelma says that very thing to Sonny Hammond after Lou dead lifts 350 lbs. to take the Junior Rangers Hefty Heather Strong Girl Competition blue ribbon.

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