If The Mitt Don’t Fit, Then Upgrade




The Republican Party is rumoured to be close to announcing a date for the launch of the new iMitt 5 after raising enough investment from fundraising activities to finally bring the secret project to completion. Many suggestions have already been circulating about what new set of features the American public can look forward to if the rumours are proven to be true. The previous version, the iMitt 4 S, has been suffering in sales after numerous discovered flaws in the model alienated at least 47% of the total available target market. An insider, who wished to remained anonymous, confirmed the existence of launch plans and provided the following information on the upcoming release.

“Here at the Republican Party we have realised that our target demographic has been far too limited. The first significant change people will notice is that the price of the new iMitt will drop from the current $50,000 USD to a far more reasonable $25,000 USD which will make it far more accessible to the American middle class. There will be still be a $50,000 top end model with some additional features to ensure that our existing customers do not feel neglected. With the improvements we have made, the new iMitt will now compete with, and in some instances match, those features of the oBama device released back in 2008.”

The above image is of an alleged prototype iMitt 5 that was inadvertently left behind at an exclusive Country Club press conference in Wyoming by a member of the Republican Party back in early August of this year.

The following is the list of features speculated to be included in the new upcoming model.

Cheapest iMitt Ever

At only $25,000 for the base model, this device should hopefully gain access to demographics not previously possible for the iMitt. There are rumours though that the base model devices are not able to connect to the top end models as both will be operating on different networks.

The Least Thick of All Models

The new iMitt will be considerably less thick than the previous model but still somehow manage to be a lightweight device due to advancements in technology that are a close guarded secret of the Republican Party. Whilst an exceptional engineering effort, it is thought that much of the current customer base will not see this as progress and would much prefer research be spent on making the device even more expensive and exclusive.

Longer Front Face

It is thought that the new model will come with a longer face to add a more sympathetic look when held in close proximity to those earning less than $250,000 USD per year but this could be in violation of an existing patent successfully lodged already by the Democratic Party for a very similar feature.

Improved International Roaming

When the iMitt is taken overseas the device will automatically place itself on silent and not attempt any communications. This has been a feature that many have been asking for in previous models and is a feature that is not offered on the oBama though the Democratic Party have stated that this is not something required for their device.

Voice Command Improvements

The inbuilt voice command system has been replaced completely with a new set of responses to everyday requests. This is sure to be a feature that many will play with to see if the new iMitt still produces some of the strange responses that previous models have been renowned for.

iMitt die hard fans have descended en masse to iMitt stores and have already begun queuing in anticipation of the new release.

The predicted launch date is November 6th 2012 and should hopefully mean some interesting competition between the iMitt and oBama devices. The Democratic Party have been asked if they plan to release a new model of the now nearly four year old oBama device given the imminent release of the iMitt. The response was, “Nah, we're all good.”


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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7 Responses to If The Mitt Don’t Fit, Then Upgrade

  1. This will fly off the shelves!

  2. marksackler says:

    It’s a great idea, but it’s bound to crash multiple times within the first 48 hours.

  3. HoaiPhai says:

    Are the rumours true about if Mitt wins the election, his first official act will be to sue South Korean President Lee Myung-Bak for being a knock-off?

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