Ape Surfaces Into A Post-Apocalyptic Blogging Wasteland

Ape can only assume the worst and that is that the virtual world ceased to exist during his blogging departure. The Mayan predictions have come to fruition and the blogging world has been laid to waste in a fiery shower of giant digital meteors. As Ape sits between his children attempting to convince them that the game of Hungry Hippos is based on a little known fact that the hippopotamus actually really enjoys the refreshing icy taste of Allen's Kool Mints, damn internet savvy kids are not really coming along for the ride, he wonders if he should take a peek into the smouldering remnants of the WordPress ghost town. Hmm. There appears to be some traces of activity still. That's unexpected. It must be the desperate postings of survivors living in underground HTML sewers or perhaps the burnt out shells of abandoned web sites.

Ape surveys the barren wasteland in front of him. The Mayans must have been right … well except for the slightly western feel to earth's apocalyptic future. He can hear the ghostly voices of bloggers gone by in the harsh desert wind. The words become louder and clearer with each ghoulish gust. “You're an idiot Ape! We are all still here you simian buffoon!” Ape pauses to reflect on those words for a bit.

Okay, you've got me. It has been four months since I have last posted which is the longest break I have had from blogging since I began this online writing caper all those millennia ago. With my recent change in role at work I developed the well known syndrome that hits many in the corporate world often referred to in medical circles as “Being Busy As All F#%k Syndrome”. Or BBAAFS. I could spend some more time coming up with a better combination of words resulting in a funnier acronym but the BBAAFS prevents even this small opportunity for more polished humour to occur. Damn BBAAFS! Hopefully a cure is found soon.

Anyway, back to business. Now am I only one who imagined the recent news of the Pope handing in his resignation would be followed by scenes of him curling up into a ball, forming a cocoon around himself and then emerging on the seventh day as a beautiful butterfly and ascending into the heavens like a frail, sexist, and culturally intolerant Chriss Angel.

The Pontiff descended from Pope Force One, curled up on the tarmac, threw off his robes, and shed his outer skin to reveal a hard chrysalis shell underneath.

Just me you say. Seriously no one else had this majestic vision. Man, I thought I had a bad case of BBAAFS.

He thinks to himself: Isn't he dreamy (sigh).
She thinks to herself: I could wear a sexy butterfly onesie if meant he would at me like that.

Kim Yong Un is Da Bomb! Talk about being a horn dog. Nothing moves your image from Despot to Sexpot as quickly as the flex of nuclear muscle. If your vibrations can be felt on seismographs on distant lands then surely a line of ladies as long as the list of international sanctions being proposed would be awaiting just outside his bedroom door. I am not sure if Ape can cope with any more level ups in Kim Jong Un's sexy. Please Kim for the sake of everyone's sanity turn your manly musk level down one or two notches.

Collective Groaning Audience: “Very mature Ape. Seriously how old are you?”
Ape: “Nothing wrong with a North Korean dictator trumpeting in a new military era. (snigger). See what I did there? Oh, you did and it's still not funny.”

I suppose his fabulous older sibling, caught at some point attempting to smuggle himself into Toyko Disney on a forged passport, may not have had the same resolve to blow stuff up. Though the efforts he went to get into a fantasy land more targeted at children firmly places him in the same “Crazy As All F#%k” basket as Kim Yong Un. Though Kim, if you are reading this, great job on the whole bomb thing K Dog. Really brings out your masculine side like a bear smoking a cigar or that scene from the Magic School Bus when they were all showered with salmon sperm. What? Of course I am being serious Kim.

Kim Jong-nam's “Despot and The Bandit” cinematic fame has finally been overshadowed by his siblings act of blowing stuff up in a hopefully very, very, very deep hole.

Anyway, no promises on frequency of posts or regularity of reading other's posts but Ape will try to squeeze blogging back into his world again. Ape out … but not out!

 

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About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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10 Responses to Ape Surfaces Into A Post-Apocalyptic Blogging Wasteland

  1. Good to have you back – the Pope’s resignation has come as a shock to all of us. He and his red velvet slippers will be missed!

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Just click your heels together three times and say there is no place like Rome.

      (Pope wakes up at home in his gold bed)

      It was a city covered in emerald and gold and you were there aunty Adolf, you too uncle champion snow boarder Shaun White, and also you Chief Inspector Salieri of the child protection unit.

  2. So happy to have you back! I hope you can finally cure your BRAAFS. WP could use more posts like this one.

  3. List of X says:

    Welcome back! I’ve started wondering if something really bad (or something really good) happened. But you know what they say in the medical circles – the best thing to take your mind of BBAAFS at work is BBAAFS at your blog 🙂

  4. HoaiPhai says:

    Hey, Apester! Glad to see you’re back! You disappeared so I figured I’d hibernate and I must have hit the snooze button on too many times because it’s June already. I’m back too and will be catching up on my reading very, very soon.
    “From Despot to Sexpot”… brilliant! Jim Jong Deluise was not bad either!

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