Ape Prays For A Blogging Idea Miracle. God Responds

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/vatican-clears-john-paul-ii-for-sainthood

The Vatican is scrambling to fast track canonisation for Pope John Paul II as stunning evidence of two previously unknown miracles have surfaced. Amateur footage emerged a few months ago, but a select group of scientists in Rome have been carefully analysing the material to prove it's authenticity. Vatican and external experts have confidently concluded that the evidence has not been falsified paving the way for the deceased former leader of the Catholic Church to be recognised as a Saint.

The first of the footage shows the Pope defying gravity by seemingly hovering unassisted next to a London double decker bus at it makes it's way around it's usual number 13 city route. This display was first seen over 2000 years ago when a young and upcoming Jesus Christ made a spectacular entrance into Jerusalem city by levitating next to a donkey and high fivin' open mouthed onlookers in an event that would later become better known as Palm Sunday to modern Christians due to the flurry of hand slapping.

London commuters stared in disbelief as the frail and mostly deceased Pontiff appeared to levitate next to a double decker bus held up solely by his crucifix hand. Sceptics initially pointed out the fact that no high fives were given out during the trip but many attribute that missing element to the fact that in his ageing state John Paul II needed to keep a firm grip on his staff for support.

The second piece of footage shows a visibly surprised Kool Moe Dee joined on stage by the faint but clearly discernible spectre of John Paul II during Coachella 2012. A initial hush settled over the crowd as the translucent image of the Pope awkwardly shuffled his way towards one of the microphones, but the crowd soon erupted into cheers as the Pontiff screamed into the microphone,

“Are you ready to tear this M%tha F#cka up!”,

proceeded by a laying down of a quality of rhymes not ever heard before at a Coachella event.

Chants of “PJP, PJP!”, echoed throughout the crowd as the elderly religious leader come rapper simply dropped his microphone at the end of the set, turned his back arrogantly to the crowd, and then vanished.

Fans were taken by surprise as a ghostly John Paul II suddenly appeared during a performance by rap veteran Kool Moe Dee at Coachella 2012 to bust out some sick rhymes. Many took this as the Kool Moe Dee finishing move dis to LL Cool J who had performed earlier in the evening without the accompaniment of a dead religious figure.

The Vatican hopes to make an announcement at the end of the week with a more definitive date of when the canonisation of Pope John Paul II could occur with many pundits confident that the ceremony will occur before the end of the year.

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About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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8 Responses to Ape Prays For A Blogging Idea Miracle. God Responds

  1. joehoover says:

    Looks like he’s avoiding paying the bus fare, not very saintly behaviour

  2. HoaiPhai says:

    I’m not a Catholic so maybe this is a really dumb question but when they canonize Pope J Piddy is an actual canon involved? If so, how so?

    I’ve always wondered about the Palm Sunday business but thought it had something to do with the concept of abstinence. Thanks for putting me straight!

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Haha! You know what they say. Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger.

      The canon would explain why they have to wear a hat that looks like the top of a missile.

      • HoaiPhai says:

        Yes, aerodynamics is very important when canonizing someone, especially a pope. You don’t want air resistance and friction to cause them to poof into a papal cloud of frankincense smoke before ascending to Heaven or Mount Olympus or wherever.

        Has anyone suggested to the Americans to fashion their drones and cruise missiles to look like canonized popes? I bet that would really shake up those Islamist terrorists!

        [Coincidentally, the post next up on my drawing board has a religious flavour to it… thanks for breaking the trail.]

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