Let’s Get This Mutha Bloggin’ Thing On!


So Ape had been neglecting his blogging again … again, but it is time to flex those bullshit muscles once more and see what comes pouring out of the mental vats. New Australian leader who mostly gets about in Bay Watch attire, Happy Days themed sitcom “Putin Loves Obama” in the works … hold the phones! Pope Francis, or Frankie Goes To Holywood as his closest refer to him, is now the proud owner of a 1980s pre-owned white station wagon. I can just imagine the excited 70 year old priest, Father Renzo Zocca, having the following exchange with his Holiness.

Zocca: Everybody can relax, I found the car. Needs some suspension work and shocks. Brakes, brake pads, lining, steering box, transmission, rear-end.

Francis: How much?

Zocca: Only $4800.

[Francis looks shocked]

Zocca: Also new rings, mufflers, a little wiring.

Can't wait to hear that siren blaring down the street each time he makes his local trips about town in his new vehicle.

Way to focus on the important stuff Ape … though Bill Murray did already state his reluctance to appear in Ghostbusters 3 so an opportunity for some new blood to exercise their acting chops does exist.

To not strain my blogging muscles further I will stick my hand deep into the freezer holding my old Blogger posts and see what I pull out. Let's see now. Hmm, too crude. No, too obscure. Nope, just plain disturbing. Ok, here we go. This post sums up a few of my traits when it comes to blogging. Firstly, it highlights my ability to always turn up to a party late when some are already starting to gather their coats in anticipation of leaving, and secondly it highlights my laziness in attempting to pass off something as much more substantial than it actually is. So, slip off the shoes, pour yourself a fine beverage, and remove all sharp objects from immediate reach. Enjoy … or, as is more likely, don't.


———————– LAZY POST BEGINS NOW ———————-

Project 365

Just like my commencement of blogging I like to get into something quite late. Usually at about the time it has become obsolete and faded. So in that theme I have decided to do one of these popular 365 projects. With the benefit of hindsight I feel that the major draw back of a 365 project is the 1 year wait to see the results. I have instead adopted for a more pragmatic approach which is to use a high speed camera, usually reserved for more scientific purposes such as observing bullets passing through eggs or studying the impact of a water bomb on a teenagers face, and take 365 frames in 1 second. I will provide some insights into the photo sequence as it unfolds and take you on this incredible journey through my life which has been magically captured within these photos.

Time : 0 milliseconds – 247 milliseconds

The boy I see in these early photos is full of hope and dreams. There is an optimism coupled with enthusiasm that screams out to the world that anything is possible. I attack each 2.7 milliseconds with the same vigour and passion as the last with an air of invincibility and everlasting life. But I stop to consider what is invincibility and immortality. Is an existence with no implications or consequences a truly fulfilling life. My enthusiasm starts to fade at the 200 millisecond mark and this bicentennial milestone makes its mark on my once boyish face by etching lines of concern and vulnerability into my aging skin. I feel myself falling into a downward spiral.

Time : 0 milliseconds – 247 milliseconds

Time : 247 milliseconds – 493 milliseconds

I no longer recognise the man in the photos. The past 247 milliseconds have taken a toll that I was not anticipating. Who knew that during this simple exercise of taking a photo every 1/365 seconds I would discover a void in my life that I was previously unaware of. I question my very existence but then I have an epiphany. I realise that perhaps what is missing is spirituality. I must choose a god and I must follow the path that it shows to me. It is so obvious now that I can not believe how long I have gone without a god in my life. My life is complete and I can feel a calm coming over me that must be what people call enlightenment. I feel that I must now go out and tell everyone the truth which I now see so clearly.

Time : 247 milliseconds – 493 milliseconds

Time : 493 milliseconds – 740 milliseconds

I can’t believe that the previous 247 milliseconds of my life were wasted on false beliefs and a desperate desire to have unanswerable questions answered. I was willing to change my life and give up my free will to follow a man created abomination of doctrine and false belonging. I must pick up the pieces and become once again the proud man that I was those now distant 493 milliseconds ago. I question if society will take me back but I must free my mind of doubt and move on. But I can’t remove all doubt from my mind. At 679 milliseconds I turn to the bottle. My memories become a series of blurred images, shouting, and unexplained bruises. I feel myself succumbing to the ever sweetening and numbing elixir as it makes it’s way like a serpent down my throat and into my very consciousness.

Time : 493 milliseconds – 740 milliseconds

Time : 740 milliseconds – 986 milliseconds

I take my last drink and make a pact with myself that this dark chapter of my existence is over. I think to myself how could the last 740 milliseconds of my life have deviated so far from the original path that I had intended. I am determined to get back on track. My eyes tell a story of determination and self belief. The boy from the first 247 milliseconds is back but has now grown to be a man. My choices are clear and whilst I have no regrets I accept that many of my last 986 milliseconds will have been seen by most as regrettable. I acknowledge my vulnerability and mortality but this somehow makes my life seem more worthwhile and I realise that I have attained a wisdom gained only by experience.

Time : 740 milliseconds – 986 milliseconds

Time : 986 milliseconds – 1000 milliseconds

I am nearly there now and the experiences of the past 986 milliseconds are really weighing heavily on me. As I get to the end of this photographic journey I take stock of what I have discovered and what I have left behind. My innocence is a distant memory but I have emerged a new man wise with experience but also scarred by experience. My broken body tells the tale of the difficult route I chose to follow in those 1000 milliseconds but my mind remains strong and defiant. This is an exercise I recommend to anyone who wishes to learn more about themselves but it is a journey that can only be done the once. This experience reminds us to remain vigilant for if we blink, even for a single second, life can pass us by.

Time : 986 milliseconds – 1000 milliseconds



About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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12 Responses to Let’s Get This Mutha Bloggin’ Thing On!

  1. Le Clown says:

    I was the first to like. And first to comment.
    I read.
    I pondered.
    I had lots of angles.
    Pope Francis?
    But. No.
    Here we go:
    “There is No Ape, Only Zuul.”
    Le Clown

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Man you were quick! My conspiracy theories of successful bloggers having access to the WordPress DeLorean allowing them to blog so much kick ass content in such short periods of time perhaps are not far off Mr Le Clown… or should I say Doc Le Clown?

  2. Nice, lazy post. I hope you didn’t hurt yourself in the process. Go slow. Ease your way back into it. You wouldn’t want to give your audience whiplash.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      Of course not …. unless (in hushed tones) Ape can get in on some lucrative blogging insurance neck injury scam … I mean of course not. Unless your neck feels a little sore…

  3. The Pope is a lovely lad – welcome back

  4. List of X says:

    I think a career in ghost-busting is just a natural career change for someone who probably already has experience in exorcising demons out of people. But they should to put a bulletproof glass box on the roof of the station wagon to make Francis feel more comfortable.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      “In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghostbuster! They’re back and about to face their biggest paranormal fight yet but now they have a new member with links to the afterlife. Who you gonna call? In cinemas 2014.”

  5. HoaiPhai says:

    I also tried one of those 365-day projects but gave up and started posting again… great to see you’re back at it, too. What do you think the chances are that Top Gear will do a Pontiac Pontiff test lap around the track? Have you ever noticed that The Pope and The Stig are both in the habit (pun intended) of wearing white and, as far as I know, have never been seen in the same room together?

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