Rime of the Ancient Mariner … Boats and Hoes!!


Attendees at the trial of the ill fated sea captain, Francesco Schettino, have been witness to even more controversy when early into the proceedings the unpopular defendant suffered an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction. The judge was forced to halt proceedings to allow Schettino an opportunity to make himself more appropriately attired for the trial. A relative of one the victims attending the trial made the following statement via an interpreter.

“It was very awkward for everyone. The Captain walked into the court and sat down to gasps from all of the attendees. Even the judge looked shocked and, as everyone else there, could not stop staring at the spectacle but still unbelievably attempted to start the formalities. His lawyer mercifully asked to approach the bench and asked the judge to allow some additional time to sort the situation out. It was clear that Schettino had not realised that he had turned up to his trial with his smug tanned face on full display. This is something that no one wanted to see today. Excuse me now as I need to gargle some mint mouth wash to remove this damn awful taste from the back of my throat.”

“I am not sure if you realise but everyone can see your easy to hate smarmy little privileged oompa loompa toned face. I know I am a good lawyer but no one is that good.”


Ape needs to stop his planned post on the Costa Concordia trial to bring you …


Breaking News!!

Used Car With Low Mileage On Sale For Fair Price


“Don't think I don't realise that you are ignoring me. I can stand here all night staring at you creepily. Actually I can't move at all. What the hell is going on here!?”

The sale of a classic British car has caused ripples in the automobile world and has been picked up by some international internet news sites as breaking news. The car in question, a 1961 Triumph Herald, has only 32 km on the clock, or 5.71 leagues for any ill fated sea captain out there, with many predicting that the vehicle could fetch a price between £12000 and £15000. Experts consider this price fair and see no reason why this will not be the case.

Reporter: How as the news been taken in the ranks of the Central India Vintage Automotive Association?

Vintage Car Enthusiast: Go f#%k yourself. You know Ape has only placed us here just to take the piss.

Reporter: Ok then. Guess car enthusiast does not translate to life enthusiast. Sheesh, can't a guy take a joke.


About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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10 Responses to Rime of the Ancient Mariner … Boats and Hoes!!

  1. I still love the fact that he abandoned ship “to organise the rescue” – classy fella – reckon his mullet wore a life jacket taken from a disable child /orphan who was training to be a nun.

  2. List of X says:

    That story about the car – it’s totally unfair that a 2005 Nissan Sentra I had to sell did not generate even half excitement worldwide as this black and white piece of junk did. So what if it had 200000 Km on it – it only proves that my car was driveable. Totally unfair.

    • Ape No. 1 says:

      It is just a matter of how you advertise it.

      “For sale. Classic Japanese automobile icon made in the same historic year that internet giant Youtube was launched. Only 0.52 lunar distances on the clock. Reluctant owner describes it as ‘driveable’.”

  3. HoaiPhai says:

    My Integra has more than 360,000 km, drives like a dream (was throwing Yoko around a bit in the snow and ice storm we had last week…fun!!), and I wouldn’t sell it unless the wife got really mean about it. That being said, the capsized ship actually adds a certain je-ne-sais-pas, visually speaking, to the bay in which she sits.

    That Herald was to be auctioned alongside two Triumph Dolomites, which reputedly taste pretty good spread very thin on buttered toast.

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