Google Can Kiss Lada’s Mutha Russian Ass

Russian car manufacturer AvtoVAZ has responded to Google and other rival Asian and European car manufacturers by unveiling it's own driverless automobile based off the popular Lada Priora model. The car, scheduled to be available in late 2016, is a culmination of five years of research and has resulted in an advanced vehicle that is capable of crashing itself on dash cam without the need for a human driver. The Lada Priora is fitted with multiple sensors linked to online mapping data, and is powered by an impatient and easily distracted advanced processor which is exclusive to the Russian car maker.

An early prototype of the self-crashing Lada was spotted earlier in the year making it's way erratically towards an ambiguously sign posted intersection.

Lead designer at AvtoVAZ, Steve Mattin, led a large technical team consisting of computer scientists, mathematicians, automotive engineers, and celebrity driver Lindsay Lohan to develop algorithms capable of creating an accident in almost every driving condition. Steve Mattin proudly stated,

“Our amazing Lada is able to concoct a danergous situation in the rain, at busy intersections, on dead straight highways on a perfectly clear day, and even in the implausible act of parking a car forwards into a wide and empty driveway. Once it has determined that it is unsafe to proceed it will begin recording on it's dash cam, accelerate wildly, and upload the footage live to youtube as events unfold. It truly is Russian technology for the Russian market.”

Steve Mattin, lead designer and chief illusionist at AvtoVAZ, led the challenging project to develop an automobile that was able to fit into normal everyday Russian traffic unnoticed.

Many Russians remain unconvinced that an autonomous car could truly cause as much carnage as one under the guidance of a human driver citing the disappointing safe statistics being disclosed by the Google car project. Only time will tell if the new Lada can leave the same wake of damage behind it as a driver based vehicle and capture the hearts of the Russian public.



About Ape No. 1

This famous lowland gorilla was born on July 4, 1971, in San Francisco. He was a gorilla who mastered over 2,000 words in American Blog Language, allowing him to communicate with humans in an astounding way. Some people felt that he was simply making blogs without understanding their real meanings, in order to receive treats and rewards from his readers.
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7 Responses to Google Can Kiss Lada’s Mutha Russian Ass

  1. Steve Mattin is a name I can believe in – if hitler was still alive this is the car he would have sold to Slavs

  2. List of X says:

    What I want to know is if the bear is included in the standard model, or do I have to pay for a premium model upgrade?  Also, did you notice how the Priora’s front grille design is stolen from a Volvo?  Probably to lure other drivers into believing that it’s not a Priora but a Volvo and therefore it’s perfectly safe to be around it – so that Priora can get to within the striking distance of the other cars.

  3. HoaiPhai says:

    I love the Russian dashcam videos… they almost make Ontario drivers look like they deserve having their driver’s licences.

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