Rime of the Ancient Mariner … Boats and Hoes!!

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-09-24/costa-concordia-captain-blames-helmsman-for-steering-wrong-way

Attendees at the trial of the ill fated sea captain, Francesco Schettino, have been witness to even more controversy when early into the proceedings the unpopular defendant suffered an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction. The judge was forced to halt proceedings to allow Schettino an opportunity to make himself more appropriately attired for the trial. A relative of one the victims attending the trial made the following statement via an interpreter.

“It was very awkward for everyone. The Captain walked into the court and sat down to gasps from all of the attendees. Even the judge looked shocked and, as everyone else there, could not stop staring at the spectacle but still unbelievably attempted to start the formalities. His lawyer mercifully asked to approach the bench and asked the judge to allow some additional time to sort the situation out. It was clear that Schettino had not realised that he had turned up to his trial with his smug tanned face on full display. This is something that no one wanted to see today. Excuse me now as I need to gargle some mint mouth wash to remove this damn awful taste from the back of my throat.”

“I am not sure if you realise but everyone can see your easy to hate smarmy little privileged oompa loompa toned face. I know I am a good lawyer but no one is that good.”

 

Ape needs to stop his planned post on the Costa Concordia trial to bring you …

 

Breaking News!!

Used Car With Low Mileage On Sale For Fair Price

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/classic-1961-car-under-the-hammer

“Don't think I don't realise that you are ignoring me. I can stand here all night staring at you creepily. Actually I can't move at all. What the hell is going on here!?”

The sale of a classic British car has caused ripples in the automobile world and has been picked up by some international internet news sites as breaking news. The car in question, a 1961 Triumph Herald, has only 32 km on the clock, or 5.71 leagues for any ill fated sea captain out there, with many predicting that the vehicle could fetch a price between £12000 and £15000. Experts consider this price fair and see no reason why this will not be the case.

Reporter: How as the news been taken in the ranks of the Central India Vintage Automotive Association?

Vintage Car Enthusiast: Go f#%k yourself. You know Ape has only placed us here just to take the piss.

Reporter: Ok then. Guess car enthusiast does not translate to life enthusiast. Sheesh, can't a guy take a joke.

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Friends, Romans, Countrymen … Bring Da’ Funk!

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/rhythm-link-to-language-ability

A study has been released linking linguistic capabilities with an individuals sense of rhythm. The experiments involved playing simple phonetic sounds at fixed and random frequencies to subjects and noting how the brain responded in the different scenarios. Well Ape calls bullshit. Seriously!? I don't know about you but if some clipboard sporting “researcher” played the syllable 'Da' continuously into my furry simian face for 30 minutes straight, my brain would also register a significant response. Most parents would have the all too familiar and painful memories involving the repetitive sounds of “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? …” Well fortunately Ape has managed to secure a couple of celebrities to comment on this so called study.

Brilliant writer, speaker, comedian, and all round awesome guy, Mr Stephen Fry, what are your thoughts on these conclusions?

“I am not one to frequent the dance floor but I guess if these scientists claim that improving one's sense of rhythm will lead to an improved level of eloquence then count me in. Get it. Count me in. No, I believe you are right, Ape. I too also call bullshit.”

Godfather of funk, Mr James Brown, would you like to share your thoughts on this study?

“Heeey!! Watch me now … (unintelligible) … gonna bring da funk … (unintelligible) … like a sex machine. Yoow!! Hell No! Dat Ape is right. Add me to the bullshit train baby … (unintelligible) … Yoowl! Stop watchin' me now you givin' me the creeps … (unintelligible)”

It is clearly unanimous. Ape, Fry, and Brown all agree and conclude that this study is …

Ape, when you see the moves that us Scientists will be busting out on the dance floor later you will surely change your mind. Actually, we too also call bullshit.

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Let’s Get This Mutha Bloggin’ Thing On!

http://www.news.com.au/world-news/pope-francis-gets-good-deal-on-1984-renault

So Ape had been neglecting his blogging again … again, but it is time to flex those bullshit muscles once more and see what comes pouring out of the mental vats. New Australian leader who mostly gets about in Bay Watch attire, Happy Days themed sitcom “Putin Loves Obama” in the works … hold the phones! Pope Francis, or Frankie Goes To Holywood as his closest refer to him, is now the proud owner of a 1980s pre-owned white station wagon. I can just imagine the excited 70 year old priest, Father Renzo Zocca, having the following exchange with his Holiness.

Zocca: Everybody can relax, I found the car. Needs some suspension work and shocks. Brakes, brake pads, lining, steering box, transmission, rear-end.

Francis: How much?

Zocca: Only $4800.

[Francis looks shocked]

Zocca: Also new rings, mufflers, a little wiring.

Can't wait to hear that siren blaring down the street each time he makes his local trips about town in his new vehicle.

Way to focus on the important stuff Ape … though Bill Murray did already state his reluctance to appear in Ghostbusters 3 so an opportunity for some new blood to exercise their acting chops does exist.

To not strain my blogging muscles further I will stick my hand deep into the freezer holding my old Blogger posts and see what I pull out. Let's see now. Hmm, too crude. No, too obscure. Nope, just plain disturbing. Ok, here we go. This post sums up a few of my traits when it comes to blogging. Firstly, it highlights my ability to always turn up to a party late when some are already starting to gather their coats in anticipation of leaving, and secondly it highlights my laziness in attempting to pass off something as much more substantial than it actually is. So, slip off the shoes, pour yourself a fine beverage, and remove all sharp objects from immediate reach. Enjoy … or, as is more likely, don't.

 

———————– LAZY POST BEGINS NOW ———————-

Project 365

Just like my commencement of blogging I like to get into something quite late. Usually at about the time it has become obsolete and faded. So in that theme I have decided to do one of these popular 365 projects. With the benefit of hindsight I feel that the major draw back of a 365 project is the 1 year wait to see the results. I have instead adopted for a more pragmatic approach which is to use a high speed camera, usually reserved for more scientific purposes such as observing bullets passing through eggs or studying the impact of a water bomb on a teenagers face, and take 365 frames in 1 second. I will provide some insights into the photo sequence as it unfolds and take you on this incredible journey through my life which has been magically captured within these photos.

Time : 0 milliseconds – 247 milliseconds

The boy I see in these early photos is full of hope and dreams. There is an optimism coupled with enthusiasm that screams out to the world that anything is possible. I attack each 2.7 milliseconds with the same vigour and passion as the last with an air of invincibility and everlasting life. But I stop to consider what is invincibility and immortality. Is an existence with no implications or consequences a truly fulfilling life. My enthusiasm starts to fade at the 200 millisecond mark and this bicentennial milestone makes its mark on my once boyish face by etching lines of concern and vulnerability into my aging skin. I feel myself falling into a downward spiral.

Time : 0 milliseconds – 247 milliseconds

Time : 247 milliseconds – 493 milliseconds

I no longer recognise the man in the photos. The past 247 milliseconds have taken a toll that I was not anticipating. Who knew that during this simple exercise of taking a photo every 1/365 seconds I would discover a void in my life that I was previously unaware of. I question my very existence but then I have an epiphany. I realise that perhaps what is missing is spirituality. I must choose a god and I must follow the path that it shows to me. It is so obvious now that I can not believe how long I have gone without a god in my life. My life is complete and I can feel a calm coming over me that must be what people call enlightenment. I feel that I must now go out and tell everyone the truth which I now see so clearly.

Time : 247 milliseconds – 493 milliseconds

Time : 493 milliseconds – 740 milliseconds

I can’t believe that the previous 247 milliseconds of my life were wasted on false beliefs and a desperate desire to have unanswerable questions answered. I was willing to change my life and give up my free will to follow a man created abomination of doctrine and false belonging. I must pick up the pieces and become once again the proud man that I was those now distant 493 milliseconds ago. I question if society will take me back but I must free my mind of doubt and move on. But I can’t remove all doubt from my mind. At 679 milliseconds I turn to the bottle. My memories become a series of blurred images, shouting, and unexplained bruises. I feel myself succumbing to the ever sweetening and numbing elixir as it makes it’s way like a serpent down my throat and into my very consciousness.

Time : 493 milliseconds – 740 milliseconds

Time : 740 milliseconds – 986 milliseconds

I take my last drink and make a pact with myself that this dark chapter of my existence is over. I think to myself how could the last 740 milliseconds of my life have deviated so far from the original path that I had intended. I am determined to get back on track. My eyes tell a story of determination and self belief. The boy from the first 247 milliseconds is back but has now grown to be a man. My choices are clear and whilst I have no regrets I accept that many of my last 986 milliseconds will have been seen by most as regrettable. I acknowledge my vulnerability and mortality but this somehow makes my life seem more worthwhile and I realise that I have attained a wisdom gained only by experience.

Time : 740 milliseconds – 986 milliseconds

Time : 986 milliseconds – 1000 milliseconds

I am nearly there now and the experiences of the past 986 milliseconds are really weighing heavily on me. As I get to the end of this photographic journey I take stock of what I have discovered and what I have left behind. My innocence is a distant memory but I have emerged a new man wise with experience but also scarred by experience. My broken body tells the tale of the difficult route I chose to follow in those 1000 milliseconds but my mind remains strong and defiant. This is an exercise I recommend to anyone who wishes to learn more about themselves but it is a journey that can only be done the once. This experience reminds us to remain vigilant for if we blink, even for a single second, life can pass us by.

Time : 986 milliseconds – 1000 milliseconds

 

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Oops There Goes Another Rubber Suit Man…

http://www.news.com.au/technology/sci-tech/hitech-wetsuit-invisible-to-sharks

Designers of an advanced wetsuit that is invisible to sharks will need to go back to the drawing board after it's first live field test with human subjects went horribly wrong. The suit, which incorporates concepts derived from years of shark behavioural research, allows surfers to be in close proximity to sharks but not be seen as viable prey to the ocean predator. It was thought the ideal location to test the suit was in South Africa where a number of shark attacks have occurred in recent years but unfortunately moments before the surfer entered the waters off Long Beach he was pounced upon by a large male african lion after being confused for an adult zebra.

The moment when a large African lion made it's move on what it believed to be a large adult zebra.

The creators of the wetsuit are not new to such design failures with a recent similar incident involving the design of a “cool” wetsuit to allow the more socially awkward of the surfing community to surf the waves with the more bodacious kids. The researchers located the coolest young scientist in their team and based off this individual's view of what would be “decidedly wicked and awesome” settled on a Star Trek theme with a particular focus on the Next Generation series as it had that “awesome robot dude who had the same skin colour as the Simpsons”. Unfortunately the test subject had barely begun making their way towards the water before being pounced on by local bullies and humiliated before shocked scientific onlookers who then lied saying that they were not friends of the victim when the bullies turned their attention to them.

Tests with an earlier “cool” design did not make it even close to the water before the test subject was wedgied and then pushed face first into the sand. Many thought a lion attack would have been more humane for the test subject.

Posted in Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

This Post Is All Scientific Smarts And Sh%t

The scientific community has been buzzing with excitement after local Mexican woman, Rosa Delucia, made an amazing discovery whilst performing the simple domestic task of preparing dinner for her family. The mother of five was peeling and cutting up potatoes when she noticed that one of the halved potatoes had the image of the Higgs-Boson particle clearly visible on the freshly cut surface. In an exclusive radio interview Rosa retold her life changing experience.

“I was just cutting up some potatoes for our usual ensalada when all of a sudden I see this image in one of the potatoes. I called my husband Enrique over to take a look and told him that I think it looks like that Higgs-Boson God Particle thing that the young people are all talking about. He agreed so we called the local media straight away. I hope we get on Ellen because that girl is crazy!”

Rosa Delucia could not believe her eyes when she was confronted with the startling image of the God Particle amongst the ingredients of her family's humble dinner.

Scientists have celebrated world wide as now any doubts to the validity of their earlier findings at CERN can be finally put to rest with this single potato. This find is considered by many to be the single greatest scientific discovery since German butcher Hans Busch discovered a cat stool in front of his shop floor that cast a shadow that described Pi, denoted by the Greek letter π – pronounced 'pie', accurate to 789 decimal places. It is understood that the potato will be donated to the Smithsonian Institute to allow current and future aspiring scientists the opportunity to come and look at one of science's marvels.

Particle physicists have breathed a sigh of relief as their years of study have finally been proven to not have been a fruitless exercise.

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Ape Prays For A Blogging Idea Miracle. God Responds

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/vatican-clears-john-paul-ii-for-sainthood

The Vatican is scrambling to fast track canonisation for Pope John Paul II as stunning evidence of two previously unknown miracles have surfaced. Amateur footage emerged a few months ago, but a select group of scientists in Rome have been carefully analysing the material to prove it's authenticity. Vatican and external experts have confidently concluded that the evidence has not been falsified paving the way for the deceased former leader of the Catholic Church to be recognised as a Saint.

The first of the footage shows the Pope defying gravity by seemingly hovering unassisted next to a London double decker bus at it makes it's way around it's usual number 13 city route. This display was first seen over 2000 years ago when a young and upcoming Jesus Christ made a spectacular entrance into Jerusalem city by levitating next to a donkey and high fivin' open mouthed onlookers in an event that would later become better known as Palm Sunday to modern Christians due to the flurry of hand slapping.

London commuters stared in disbelief as the frail and mostly deceased Pontiff appeared to levitate next to a double decker bus held up solely by his crucifix hand. Sceptics initially pointed out the fact that no high fives were given out during the trip but many attribute that missing element to the fact that in his ageing state John Paul II needed to keep a firm grip on his staff for support.

The second piece of footage shows a visibly surprised Kool Moe Dee joined on stage by the faint but clearly discernible spectre of John Paul II during Coachella 2012. A initial hush settled over the crowd as the translucent image of the Pope awkwardly shuffled his way towards one of the microphones, but the crowd soon erupted into cheers as the Pontiff screamed into the microphone,

“Are you ready to tear this M%tha F#cka up!”,

proceeded by a laying down of a quality of rhymes not ever heard before at a Coachella event.

Chants of “PJP, PJP!”, echoed throughout the crowd as the elderly religious leader come rapper simply dropped his microphone at the end of the set, turned his back arrogantly to the crowd, and then vanished.

Fans were taken by surprise as a ghostly John Paul II suddenly appeared during a performance by rap veteran Kool Moe Dee at Coachella 2012 to bust out some sick rhymes. Many took this as the Kool Moe Dee finishing move dis to LL Cool J who had performed earlier in the evening without the accompaniment of a dead religious figure.

The Vatican hopes to make an announcement at the end of the week with a more definitive date of when the canonisation of Pope John Paul II could occur with many pundits confident that the ceremony will occur before the end of the year.

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Ape Travels To The Land Of The Rising Bullshit

http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/political-news/japan-whaling-branded-dangerous-as-court-battle-begins

http://www.smh.com.au/environment/whale-watch/science-of-japanese-whaling-attacked-in-court-case

The world scientific community has been caught by surprise after Japanese scientists working on the multi-decade research of whales finally released some of their highly anticipated findings. Pressured by the recent court battle on scientific whaling the group shared startling results with fellow scientists that proved the value in the controversial research activities. The following is a portion of what was presented in a globally televised press conference.

“Firstly we would like to acknowledge the efforts and contributions from every employee of the Suzuka Under Sea Habitat Institute who made these amazing revelations possible. After numerous years of dedicated and focused research we have made the startling discovery that the world whale population is drastically reducing in numbers. By about 15000 in the last 30 years to be more precise. We will continue our studies to gain a better understanding of whether or not these majestic creatures will continue to reduce in number and perhaps one day even become extinct.”

Lead researcher from the Suzuka Under Sea Habitat Institute presents the exciting results that represent a culmination of years of study.

The Japanese team have now been invited to assist with the study of other species of animals to confirm whether or not their numbers are also dwindling. Species such as the Bonobo, Leatherback Turtle, and the Galapagos Penguin will be targeted by the crack team of researchers with many hoping that the results will be as spectacular as the whale study findings.

A Japanese scientist steadies himself as he prepares to research the rare Galapagos Penguin square in it's feathery little face.

————————- BONUS CRAP ———————-

Ape has been blogging quiet sporadically so here is a little bit more reading if you have managed to make it this far. While we are on the topic of Japan let's talk creepy robots. Ever had one of those days where you found yourself stuck in an international space station with nothing to do except take endless photos of yourself framed to give the illusion that you were pooping out the earth … again? Yeah, tell me about it. Well a clever team has created a hairless Teddy Ruxpin called a Kirobo humanoid to act as a conversationalist in space. Yeah, you heard me. IN SPACE!!

http://www.smh.com.au/technology/sci-tech/japan-conversation-robot-ready-for-outer-space

“Hello father. Did you know that a small incision just below your ear would allow 70% of the blood from your body to drain in approximately 7 minutes. Isn't it curious how fragile but simple to understand the human anatomy is.”

Now I don't about you but if this creepy little toaster, as the above article states, just casually made the remark.

“I want to create a future where humans and robots can live together and get along”

I would be throttling it's little AA powered Tamagotchi neck and demanding to know what it was planning behind those soulless little glowing robot eyes. I am so removing staying in an international space station off my bucket list.

“Sleep well my frail human friend. Sleep well.”

Posted in Satire | Tagged , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Ape Launches New Game!! Hacker or Douche Bag?

http://www.news.com.au/breaking-news/world/e-onlines-twitter-account-hacked

Just when you thought hackers could not get any bolder, a group from Syria has hacked into one of the pillars of modern journalism, E! Online. After successful previous compromises of organisations such as the BBC, Al-Jazeera, and The Guardian this most recent exploit has shown that this Syrian hacker group really means business. Once E! Online was broken into then all hell broke loose as the group began sending false tweets about Justin Bieber and Angelina Joile and blah blah blah …

Ape has no real time for a full new faux article post so let me drop out of character so that I can actually finish this post tonight and go to bed like the sad ageing blogger that I am.

If E! Online has been hacked, who could be next? Heaven forbid if the World Weekly News was ever attacked.

The Syrian hacking group that have taken credit for this are called the Syrian Electronic Army, or SEA for short, and yes it does sound exactly like the name of an 80s synth band. Now while I can see that hacking into the entertainment community does provide a good opportunity to annoy those sympathetic to the Syrian rebels, I just have to question the choice of celebrity to tweet false information about. Firstly JB. This is a spoilt kid with a pet monkey, gas mask, and a constant desire to punch people in the face. What on earth could you post that would not just be accepted as the norm? The same applies for Angelina Jolie in my opinion.

Gotta have a cool team name if you gonna be tweeting crap about the Biebs and Hollywood blood capsule wearing nut job Jolie.

Finally, Ape would like to get his readers to play the game “Hacker or Douche Bag!”. Just take a look at the following images and then in the comments section below write down your guesses as to who could be a hacker and who could be a douche bag. Ape will then read through your answers, laugh, and then never speak of this competition ever again. Hey, what did you expect? Prizes or something?

(A) (B)

(C) (D)

Good luck readers!

 

Posted in Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

NRA Shoots For Consumer Electronics Market

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/2013/05/04/07/12/national-rifle-association-opens-us-summit

The National Rifle Association has welcomed in an exciting new chapter for it's organisation by unveiling an innovative range of consumer electronics aimed at the many gun owners in the United States. After successfully helping defeat the gun control laws in the Senate, the group has moved forward from this fantastic result and given the American community a myriad more reasons to own a gun. The new products can be controlled from the comfort of your lounge by simply firing a loaded weapon at the designated target controllers. The NRA has said it is possible to replace every electronic switch and control in the household with targets that can be controlled conveniently with a high powered hand gun or a sniper rifle if the switch is a considerable distance away.

The NRA captured people's imaginations with the exciting prospect of living in a house filled with the glorious sounds of ricochetting bullets whizzing through the air as the family walk around exercising their well deserved freedom.

The launch unfortunately concluded early after the ballon animal clown hired to entertain the children, Mr Trigger Happs, burst a half assembled balloon poodle causing the entire congregation to dive behind tables and exhibition stands and begin shooting wildly towards the sound of the large bang.

The loud pop of the purple poodle head led to scenes of panic and confusion. Organisers have apologised and stated that next time they will not take the risk of having a balloon animal clown as part of the event.

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Ape’s Mars Penis Scoop … Not That Anyone Reddit

As Ape has been absent from the blogging community for a while, be prepared for this post to be a mad rambling on numerous unrelated topics as is usually the case when Ape has a large build up of bullshit in his head. Here goes nothing …

http://www.news.com.au/technology/sci-tech/mars-rover-curiosity-draws-penis-on-surface-of-red-planet

Ape may not be getting the credit but the few of you who read this blog may have felt a sense of déjà vu as you read of the “recent” discovery of a penis drawing on Mars and then thought back to an immature post many months on this very same discovery.

https://simianmonologues.wordpress.com/2012/07/10/is-that-a-mars-probe-in-your-pocket/

Guess Ape is not connected in the right kind of internet way to make the main stream news on a story centred around galactic appendages like these reddit dudes must be. Though to be honest it might not be the type of thing that Ape would like to have as his enduring legacy from his efforts on the internet.

Ape ponders if this Mars article was a missed opportunity or a dodged bullet.

Anyway back to business and a subject that I am sure many found amusing. The George W. Bush Memorial Library & Museum. I can just imagine people secretly making facetious suggestions amongst themselves to commemorate old Dubya. Hunched over and desperately trying to contain their giggles they would make suggestions such as space suit, chimp suit, or perhaps a Hurricane Katrina civil suit until someone comes up with a gem. “Let's give him a library!” Laughter erupts.

http://www.news.com.au/world-news/obama-ex-presidents-honor-bush

My favourite part of the story is the feature exhibit of the library which is called the “Decision Points Theater” which essentially asks visitors to make decisions on situations like hurricane Katrina or Iraq. A virtual Bush Jnr then pops up to explain his actual decision and the rationale behind it. I suppose the alternate name for this exhibit, “Senate Committee Inquiry” might have been left intentionally available for an upcoming exhibit which might open in the near future based on actual events.

Damn fool son has not even realised yet that this is a joke present. Think of a happy place, think of a happy place…

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-04-28/australia-rejecting-push-to-boycott-chogm

Another topic that may have gone a little under the radar is the threat by Canada to boycott the next Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) to be hosted in Sri Lanka late this year due to suspected war crimes that may have occurred during the civil war. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has made the statement that Sri Lanka has failed to live up to the Commonwealth values of democracy. Whilst I may agree that violating human rights in any context should never be tolerated, I feel that the bar could be a little bit higher than the values which come to mind when the Commonwealth is mentioned.

I say old chap. I believe these Sri Lankan folk are not living up to the high bar of democracy that so underpins the very fabric of the Commonwealth. Pass me another of those delicious cinnamon tarts my good man.

Yes Ape is another Aussie who will jump at any opportunity to have a dig at the old British Empire and also lament the fact that his country remains a solid member of the Commonwealth. Ape can dream. Sigh…

 

Posted in Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments